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Gypsy Song

a horse and a cart
down the road –
gypsy song

That's one of my first. What do you think and how can I improve it?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Maya Lyubenova
    July 3

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    http://allpoetry.com/class/show/Beginning%20Haiku%20Class


  • Maya Lyubenova
    July 3
    Edit | Reply
    Do not worry, it doesn't have to be longer and not a self respected haijin would ever bother to count syllables. Sound units are counted in Japanese, not in English. Go on writing your haiku, Yordan, I wish you success!

    BTW, Haiku Monk and Myron Lysenko are teaching great haiku lessons on Allpoetry.


  • yordandar
    July 3
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    Well, Raven, as far as I know, a haiku doesn't need to be 5-7-5. Read Jane's articles on ahapoetry.com and you'll see that 5-7-5 form should be avoided if possible.


  • voodoo ink Greeters member
    July 2
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    Actually, a haiku is supposed to have the syllable of rhythm should be 5,7,5 ...three lines...just a heads up. You have 5 in the first line, now it needs 7, then 5...


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    July 2

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    Welcome to Allpoetry

    I think that this should be longer. Your words show an interesting start but you end so quickly that we don't get a chance to see where the words go.

    I hope that you enjoy the site, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask
    I encourage you to comment others and generate activity for yourself!

    Good job, keep writing.


  • voodoo ink Greeters member
    July 2
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    Welcome To Allpoetry

    This definitely needs to be longer. You left the reader wanting more...In the few lines you have, it is good, just add to it!!!
    Welcome to AllPoetry! I hope you have fun on this site!

    Blessed Be,
    Jeremy
    Site Greeter


    • yordandar
      July 2
      Edit | Reply
      Well, Raven, it was supposed to be a haiku . A haiku should be 3 lines (in most cases) and, I think, it should leave the reader make up the full moment in their mind.

1 - 8 of 8