I woke with a start to the sound of a knock
Something was trying to get through my lock
My heart started pounding, breath caught in my chest
For whatever was out there was not gonna rest
It gave up with the knocking, just beat on the door.
The hinges and wood couldn't take anymore.
They splintered and shattered and fell with a crash
That which was out there was in in a flash.
I lay on my couch with my eyes open wide
The thing looked around and saw me to its side
It grinned with its razor sharp teeth shining bright
Its evil red eyes had their own vile light
It stalked slowly forward, threw a backpack my way
"You dropped this out in the woods hiking today.
A stupid mistake, I must say, are you dim?"
He must have thought so, for I just stared at him
Before I had my bearings, he left with a huff
My breath left my lungs in a terrified puff
That night I decided right there and right then
That I'd never forget something ever again!
Author notes
I must admit something... this wasn't my idea. In the book "Oddly Enough" by Bruce Coville there is a short story titles "Duffy's jacket" about this boy who is always forgetting things. One day he and his cousins are camping with their moms and he leaves his jacket in the woods. That night, the cousins are all playing games in their cabin and this monster comes in, throws him the jacket and says "You forgot your jacket, stupid."
I had no intention of going this direction when I started the poem, but wasn't in the mood to write something long and scary, plus it would be a crystal copy of many of my other poems. So I figured I'd go in a funny direction, and that idea came to mind.
Comments
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Haha! your a really good poet and a very clever one as well!! Great work!!
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Fun write. Very cute piece, and I'm a big fan of monsters doing things that are unexpected (I've used the idea in a couple of poems that I've written, and when done well like this offers a great ending.)
The meter of the poem was really good, and was pretty consistent the whole way through. 11 syllables a line and the meter anapestic (two unstressed followed by a stressed) outside of the opening metric foot which is unstressed/stressed (one of my absolute favorite meters, and one that works great for stories)
Below I took the liberty to play with the three lines that threw me off just a drop, with the stressed syllables in capital letters. They are merely suggestions (and not great ones at that) but I figure that may get you thinking and help you come up with something. I personally rather the doors falling with a crash and the monsters entering in a flash rather than the alternative. Just my humble opinion and this is a wonderful write as is.
They SPLINTered and SHATTered and FELL with a crash
And THAT which was OUT there was IN in a FLASH
It GRINNED with its RAzor sharp TEETH shining BRIGHT
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Thanks for your suggestions on this piece. I hadn't read over it too much after I wrote it, but those lines were a little awkward, and the suggested edits fit in perfectly. Thanks again!
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NICELY PENNED WITH THE SAME TALENT AND FLAIR THAT I LOOK FOREWARD TO IN YOUR WORK
BRAVO
T
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I absolutely loved this! I kept expectiong flaws, to be honest, because keeping it pristinely flowing for this long is difficult, but you pulled it off well. I love the idea and storyline. In the beginning, you had MY breath caught in my chest!
Just one thing I found, in the line:
Its evil red eyes had their own vile light
You have an extra space.
Thats it...
so enjoy your comment
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hehehe
Are you sure this wasn't inspired by the loss of your contact case??? or the olives or your favorite tshirt or .... Hopefully, writing this poem may cure that small flaw. As for the rhythm and rhyme - very good. I love you.
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I did not lose the olives. I swear to you on your cat's life.
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Good rhyme and flow, good tale, well put together.
So three applause to you!
Regards.
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the rhyme worked and flowed nicely. fun poem
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Ah yes, I haven't read the story you mentioned... but I seem to remember a similar one from my childhood. This is all very good work... and this is going to sound weird coming from me, but don't be afraid to go long form with this kind of thing. I find horror poems in particular lend themselves to extension as you can slowwwwly build up a sense of dread and atmosphere.
Though I suppose if you were going for the goof ending that isn't quite as necessary. As always, I like your work.
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catchy!!! I liked the flow a lot. it wasn't one of those poems that I had a hard time figuring out how to read it...LOL
stars
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Pretty good stuff here, I rarely find anything to smile over but this has made a fairly grey day take on just a hint of the rainbow...thanks
Peace
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Charmingly funny. The simplistic rhyme scheme helped to give the poem a light hearted feel. All in all, a nice little poem.
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The twist you have done here fits your poem i'll admit i'm not a fan of rythmning however some of yours fit alright while others need work. The speech could use work but apart from that this is briallaint! I read a poem similar about this monster down a tunnle and it seems scary and it comes around and just asks where the toilet is!
Your funny take is wonderful here well done!
Best of luck in your writting,
Gorecki
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