Twenty-seven years earlier
looking back I
shiver, apalled
at the memories
Fear creeping, claiming
heart & soul
{the memories}
Hiding in the closet
wrapping hands around knees
One had to be strong
as the other scurried to
the darkest of the corner...
Holding breath..waiting
Soft whispers
break the thoughts
His heavy scent of liquor
reeks, stumbling,
his feet dragging across the room
hands jiggle the lock...
Tears flowing rapidly
as the light causes eyes to blink
Squatting down,
eye to eye, his smile widens
Clenching teeth, dead weight
he pulls me aggressively from the floor
Moans of pain, excruciating,
I cried out
Hand whips across the air
contact, hard,
knocking me off my feet...
he hovers close..
Duct tape, tears,
he seals off my whimpers
Pools of blue
dimming beneath the light
Heavy is the storm
of the present
Waves beating hard
against white cotton sheets
His eyes flickering
observing sins control
his arousal relevant
Liquored lips brushing mine
his hands, oh God
cold and harsh
Trying to defend myself
yet, I wasn't strong enough
to conquer the storms hit
Beneath him, struggling,
he was forceful, instructing me
to do things, demanding
His body pressed
hard against my little frame
breathing hard within my ear
Moans of thunder erupt
(tears staining ivory cheeks)
as he enjoys his authority
Eyes sinking slowly
into pools of darkness
I spiral to the unknown
Thoughts carried off
with the waves of the storm
I'm no longer me
Tearing off my jeans,
I laid silently in the midst of shock
as parting of the streams main,
opens, accessible,
the ship of sin, travels in
{cries turn in to deep sobs
the memories haunting me,
his eyes, the glare, the evilness}
A current rapid
thrusting of the moves, intense
{"Please dear God, stop," I screamed
as he silenced me with his fist}
The ships beating heavy,
the innocence is being stripped
Stench of liquor as he leans in
protecting his act
"You know what will happen,
don't you...if you say anything?"
{shaking my head yes, cradling my knees}
"Good then, mommy won't get hurt."
{On the sheets, watching him leave,
he looks back, smiles, licks his lips
then leaves..quickly
Like the shadows he disappeared
the turn of the key, the loud exhaust....
"I still hear it today,
in my nightmares,
shaking me from my dreams
I can taste the liquor
is it his, or mine...
Another shot down
I can't even drink him away..he's here..."
{ 1995, age 22, daughters death}
Married at 18
to break loose
from "him"
Husband of 6 months
abusive, jealous
fear rises again
Heated arguments
broken limbs
black and blue eyes
Time proved to be worse
as old memories
re-entered, I died a little more
5 years later, pregnant
oh god, a baby to love me
a little girl I badly wanted
Thoughts of change
made me hope he would
after having a little one
Didn't get the chance
anger ripped through
and he tortured me
Knife to my neck,
his eyes fixated, deadly
sobbing, exhausted
Moments later breaking away
running along the shores
he caught me
battle begun, beating,
kicking, hitting, I curled up
Defenseless, guarding
the womb, the baby..
I tried, Oh god I tried
{deep sobs}
several hours later
delivery premature
within my hands
my daughter
blue, silent, dead
Pain, hatred, anger,
he killed her
he killed me
{stench of alcohol filled the room
and his voice..his voice..
fills my head
he is my husband, he was my dad,
two different people
same disgusting, vile, actions}
(2009, 36, mother of four...Anna still counts)
{popping sound, fumes from the exhaust
I cringe, looking around
as I put children in the car}
Single mother for 8 years
raising three girls
and remembering one
certain sounds shaking me
watching the girls
I long to protect them..always
Deep sorrow,
missing my Anna
I stand proud today
Working hard
protective, yet,
fearful, as they both
...are in our lives...
Husbands last move
striking my daughter
I struck back,
I didn't quit til,
all the years of pain
was released
Watching them growing
knowing they are strong
independent young ladies
That no man, nor woman
has a right to have control
they have control...
Abused and raped
repeatedly
I can still hear the voices
the threats, the bones
breaking
I made it...I'm a survivor
Today, I am me,
no one has access to
my control...I do
I lost alot, the main,
my daughter
I will not lose anymore
I was a victim and,
had no voice
in 2002, I gained
My voice, My strength,
My Life....
No Longer am I a victim, but a Voice to be heard....
And, I, will be heard....I am A Survivor
Gold trophy winner
Adding your comment:
