I've built my life upon your promises
can see no way to let you go now
your dreams have all became mine
whilst mine has also become yours.
It took a long time to build our trust
believing in one another completely
feeling it from the very start of us
that I was a golden part of your life.
Our dreams of dancing all night long
holding on so close to one another
together still as the dawn gives way
life bringing us together in full circle.
Our dreams will carry us throughout life
no matter what may be, or may not
our hearts being filled with all our love
forever and ever, I do to you promise.
Author notes
written from a broken heart
A contest entry
- The sun in my soul's sinking lower while the hope in my hands turns to clay. by coloringmysenses.
1750 points, ended July 22, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Very good imagery in this - I could feel your pictures.
Overall, it seems like this is being held at arm's length. Like you could bring it closer and make the emotions stand out a lot more.
Wonderful piece. Thank you for entering! <3 -
i think the revision works much better and the ending is definitely much stronger.
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Hm. I think your messages got jumbled up against each other; it starts off very strong but looses it's strength as the poem progresses. It feels almost like you've got two separate ideas that are smashed together rather than carefully sewn. I think it would do this poem good to be reworked and added to; elaborate on the emotions that you are trying to express, rather than just forcing them into corners. It may help if you rethought what it was you were trying to say when you started writing it and brainstorm on ways to word it. Other than that, I really love the poem's intension. I like the overall feeling of nostalgia, as well as the whispy feel of your voice. It floats rather than strikes, which is just as important as the words themselves - good write! Thank you for sharing.
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I really like the beginning especially
I've built my life upon your promises
can see no way to let you go now
your dreams have all became mine
whilst mine seem to have become yours.
but i think towards the ending the wording and flow got a little off. in particular these lines. good poem on the whole though.
there still as the day enveloped dawn
only to writhe in passion once again.
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