can't you understand that
you have got it all wrong
that i am not some
wonderful awesome
thing you must be careful
not to scratch
that i am that street
corner slut skanking
around
sure i'll cry rape in
an alley but they
will only say
dollface, this is
your comeuppance
sweet jesus does
the world have puddles
and they are speaking in
tongues and they
are my depression
welcome, they say
do not be afraid
let me remind you,
beautiful boy, that i
have tasted many men
and you should not
consider yourself lucky
you should not whisper
to your friends
"see that gorgeous godsend?
she is mine"
and i should not
smile when you get
home and engulf you
and be happy
the winds have
spoken through
the flapping curtains
and they say
take these down
you are no white
lamb
Author notes
Prompt:
Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is a spiritual war. Our depression is our lives. ~ Fight Club
A contest entry
- read between the lines by rainboots.
900 points, ended July 19, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
be honest. I won't put you on my ignore list. :)
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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awesome question-to-the-readers
I really enjoy this poem. The use of negatives, especially the should-not bits are very poignant and raw. They show a whole lot. "wonderful awesome
thing" - I see where you're going with that and in its entirety that is a very clever, rebelling stanza, but I don't feel the "wonderful awesome" does much for it; it rather distracted me. I think if you left only one of those it would be more powerful.
Loved the bit about having tasted other men - it really makes me feel something.
Awesome ending... I love how you've portrayed a sort of loss or lack of innocence. You use such common, neutral, even happy words, but the poem is so gloomy and sad. I admire that.
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thanks so much for your input. I love common words instead of huge fancy adjectives. There's no need to make someone pull out a dictionary when reading a poem. Though dictionaries are certainly wonderful things. lol
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This reminds me of myself.
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"that i am not some
wonderful awesome
thing you must be careful
not to scratch"
Holy fucksauce this amazes me. You pull in words like 'wonderful' and 'awesome, words that you'd find colloquially and not normally in a poem on the same line but it completely fucking jesus works its ass off here. I love this part A LOT (excess vulgarity usually means I do).
"dollface, this is
your comeuppance"
Apart from being a Satanically godly amazing title, the way you use it here is, too.
That "but they will only say" preceding that line is so...like, when you know exactly what somebody is going to say, so it's pointless to do anything...that's what it makes me think of.
"see that gorgeous godsend?"
I love that.
Your dialogue always plain rocks my face off with how snappy it is.
"you are no white
lamb"
Killer ending.
;
Jessica.
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sheesh. you've been so prolific lately. i love every moment of it.
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haha I should come off my soapbox any time now.
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nah, i rather like you up there. :]
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wow. This was brilliant.
"sweet jesus does
the world have puddles
and they are speaking in
tongues and they
are my depression"
Really love that part. Thanks for entering. -
Picture:
http://tha-erk.deviantart.com/art/Spiderweb-127773356
Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR23Me3FguA
Quote: Our generation has had no Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is a spiritual war. Our depression is our lives. ~ Fight Club, said by Tyler Durden
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