Her hair clings damply
to the smooth marble
of her skin.
Errant wisps attach
themselves to her cheeks
and to her brow.
The flush of passion
that tinted her face
and neck has ebbed now.
The transient moment
of union has come and
gone in a cacophony of
pleas
made to an uncertain deity.
Moments drip treacle soft
and heavy from the clock face
as I breathe in the scent of her
and my eyes are drawn to feast
on the raw unfinished beauty
of my part-time lover.
As she sprawls wide-hipped
dozing in the after-glow
of our madness.
A contest entry
- rapture by Saffron.
1000 points, ended August 5, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 43 of 43
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I particularly like the last two lines of this “dozing in the after-glow of our madness”—this is very sensual and visual, and I think the only critique I have of the piece that it could be a bit tighter by just cleaning up some of the unnecessary words and descriptors here. Otherwise, it is very visual and very sensual, indeed.
Thank you so much for sharing your talent with me in this contest
Saffron
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Thanks. I appreciate the feedback. As you say, "not all poems are poetry". I couldn't agree more.
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Did I say that? If I did, I certainly wasn't referring to you--I most likely was referring to myself.
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So very present and sensual. Minutely observant...You display an excellent command of language. I have nothing more to add other than: more please?
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This is lovely and very appealing to the senses. I liked,"Moments drip treacle soft" -that was lovely.
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I really enjoyed some of the wording/imagery here!
smooth marble of her skin, treacle soft, raw unfinished beauty... Lovely.
This flows nicely and is tender yet sensual.
K
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A moment can be stretched as far as the memory can take it ...
Oh my goodness, this is quite lovely with such strong passion in softly tender words. I floated through this scene as if I were there, witnessing such a private moment - I nearly gasped.
Wonderful play of emotion with imagery. Your talent truly shines in this gem. Thank you so much for sharing this with The Blue Lamp. I loved it. ~Pamela
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forever?!!!... that's so childish!!!
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Slick and smooth. Suave even. I quite liked it. You bring out a new shade to an alltime favorite topic as of late.
It's tasteful and beautiful. Nothing much to add. The quality of metaphors and descriptions simply drew me in and painted the whole picture.
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Quite excellent. A smooth concoction of heady images that so beautifully weaves a tastefully sensual path to the wonderful conclusion. This was pure pleasure to read. .
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This is deliciously smooth in its read. Blends itself well to the expectations set with titling. I did
enjoy "Moments drip treacle soft" for both the conjured imagery and for the way it comes off the tongue. Blue
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a most excellent write
and my eyes are drawn to feast
on the raw unfinished beauty
of my part-time lover.
As she sprawls wide-hipped
dozing in the after-glow
of our madness.
we are all mad you know, if we only listen carefully enough!
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dozing in the after-glow
of our madness.
YUM!! -
Moments drip treacle soft
and heavy from the clock face
You capture the slow motion of time very well with these lines and the sensual images of the moment are vivid.This poem is real enough to leave lots to the imagination of the individual reader.
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I might consider excising many of the unnecessary pronouns. Lovely tone of sensuality here!
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Thank you. Point taken.
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This is beautiful and very tastefully done. I love what you have written and what you haven't said. It leaves much to the imagination which is exactly how it should be. Well done
Mariana
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I was sure I had commented on this poem...I guess not.
I love the imagery - very sensual. It is like looking at a painting - your words are the brushstrokes - and you have painted an ansolutely stunning picture that grabs my attention and has me held in it's spell.
Best of luck in the contest.
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You've taken me right into the room and I can smell it. Made me feel all warm and sweaty. Great write.
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this has some fascinating images, rises to a moment, like passion...very nice...PK
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This lovely descriptive poem is full of sensual imagery, and the reader basks in the afterglow with the author. I think the poem gains with each stanza until we form a complete picture of the part time lover. You stimulate the imagination while smudging the edges of your portrait. Peace, Liz
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a wonderful read...
i like the maturity you've written with...it came out lovely and sweet! my favorite part was that seventh stanza.
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Wow. The last two lines of that hit me so powerfully. Very beautifully written.
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This is a richly evocative piece, full of phrases that are a pleasure to read allowed and allow the mind to wander and wonder!
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"...and my eyes are drawn to feast
with quiet contemplation..."
Jphn, your powers of obsevation
coupled with your passion for life
re-create a scene so real
we could reach in and touch.
M-C
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Tender and still seductive, your descriptions are full of passion.
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This is sheer beauty in itself. The wording used here is ever so passionate and warm. I love the words 'moments drip treacle soft
and heavy from the clock face
as i breath in the scent of her'
Talk about sensual to the very core. You write some wonderful pieces that really make one stop and think about what was said. This is quite different from the things I write, but very enjoyable. I do wish you all the very best in the contest and well done indeed.
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Wow, I really enjoyed reading this.
At first I wasn't sure, but the more I read, the more I wanted to know. Good job.
xoxo
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You are developing ....into a real...
...porno writer; or let me say just on the threshold of sanity on the good side.
Hell no this is no madness; a lovely piece of writing.
Congrats. I am truly "J ".
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"dozing in the after-glow
of our momentary madness..."
that, dear sir, gave me a thrill
down my spine. Rapture? oh...yessss.
Love, Lane
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Great imagery. Now time for a cold shower...
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Really lovely in it's soft flowing...pure poetry.
And trust me on this one...a moment can be stretched. -c
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So warm and romantic, love it...mary
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John this is sensuous seductive
tantalizing and beautiful as
as they doze in the after-glow
of our momentary madness.
I love this penned so well
Hugs Angel♥
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Simply Stunning!
'Rapture' indeed ... you are showing that you have a wonderfully sensual and seductive side to you John, I can find nothing that needs changing in anyway at all.
All the best
Suzie Q
x
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wow
especially liked "part time lover" and "dripping treacle soft"
and hoped you shared an "after smoke" with her
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Yes, that'll do it...
there's a lot to be said for the after-glow
for myself, I prefer madness that lasts more than moments, but I get what you mean - best of luck in the contest, John!
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Nice one John, shows there is life in the old dog yet, lots of it. Very sensual.
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I see you are getting second wind......lol
great write. -
rapture this is indeed!! you should write sensuality more often, John as this was really wonderful to read and be carried along on the power of your phrases and visuals. Loved it!
~ Nicolette
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Eureka!
My only criticism for this poem, is that it is not dedicated to me hehehe So emotive, sensual and satisfying...reading this poem is like staring into the glowing embers of a fire-simply captivating.
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Hi John
Thanks a lot, John. I really could have done without
a cold shower before bed!LOL
Way cool!
Great poem, John.
John
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Beautifully "Raw"...
Love it, John!! This poem is worthy of the golden chalice!! Keep you muse's pen flowing, Poet!! Peace & hugs, xx Cyn 
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