the bottom line
is that when im not with you
im dying, trying
to get you off my mind
i'd do anything
for you my love
to keep you by my side
and i'm sorry
i know i'm pitiful
a sickening sight to see
but im lovesick
with a heart that wont quit
beating for the hope of you and me
please don't stare
i know it's hard
when there's a fresh car wreck
and blood's everywhere
my blood is everyhwere
im lovesick
my heart wont quit
it aches
im lovesick
my heart wont quit
it breaks
im lovesick
my heart wont quit
it aches
im lovesick
my heart breaks
Author notes
lovesick :/
A contest entry
- My heart was taken, can I have yours? (finalist will be chosen on the 19th or the 20th) by BlindingLove.
400 points, ended August 21, 41 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - -Don't shoot me, I didn't ask for this.- (Relationship poems.) by Livingemptyspaces.
1200 points, ended September 24, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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::Good Lcuk:: xoxo
nikoshiana is right, i love the title it's an eyecatcher! -
This is brilliant, and i really love the title!! great poem
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thank you so much!
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Makes me think of a certain movie, I can't think of the title...but I am sure it will come to mind later.
Anyway, the write is fantastic. The little repeats at the end, are actually a nice touch. When you read it out-loud...it has a little beat but not so much that it becomes a tounge-twister. Overall, the flow was great. However I think towards the top you can put in a few extra lines to make a smoother transition.
"and i'm sorry
i know i'm pitiful
a sickening sight to see
but im lovesick
with a heart that wont quit
beating for the hope of you and me"
^ That part right there and on down. I think if you added a few more lines...to sort of help the story out. Because you start with your emotions...and then you jump right into the yearning you have for another person to be with you. Simple things can fix that. And again, you probably don't even have to fix it.
Either way, the emotions and flow are there. Great job, keep it up. -
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thank you for the review, charlee
i'll take all that you said into consideration and see if i can come up with something to make it better. again, thank you. i really appreciate the critique!
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No problem :]]
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