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Lotus


breathe

for always within
lay such magic

this still-water flower
is simply you budding

Where does it take you?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

  • piggyback
    August 25

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    This is very peaceful. The first couple lines make for a very good and suggestive alliteration, though they didn't make me feel much otherwise (probably just a personal thing). I really enjoyed the magic bit - it makes your poem seem a bit dreamy, contemplative. Magic that lies within is the kind I actually believe in and I think everyone should. The last two lines I find are the most powerful - a beautiful image. The last line is particularly inspirational. I feel that, for me as a reader, the last two lines could possibly even stand on their own as a sort of modern haiku. And wow, I only now realized this is in the zen category - but meditation and peace and even zen came to mind much before. I think you've shown exactly what you wanted with this poem.


    • ParadoxFry
      August 25

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      Thanks for your kind comment!

      I've been reading quite a lot of eastern philosophy recently, more Tao than Zen, but they're all branches of the same tree. I was trying to capture a thought that it had inspired in me.

      In a sense, it is a sort of a modern haiku. (Haiku are one of my faves, to write and to read)

      I greatly appreciate your feedback!

      I wonder if there is a way I can re-work the intro to make it more effective. When I read it (probably just because I wrote it) I'm trying to express a sense of 'return' to one's centre, or to the basics. like a 'hold on a second... just take a breath, and enjoy it' feeling is what I was trying to get across there. I'm not sure how else to express the sense of space between be, and breathe

      Maybe:
      deep breath
      just be

      with the reader's inclination to actually (consciously or otherwise) join me in that deep breath? what do you think?

      • piggyback
        August 25
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        You're welcome - mine doesn't even compare to yours anyway.

        Personally I'd take the "be" out altogether" and leave it as just "take a deep breath" -- it seems a more complete thought and nothing would seem out of place to me. Also, I would have a stanza break between the "lay such magic" and "this still-water flower", because to me it reads like two otherwise beautiful and insightful sentences, crammed together. My first thought was to add punctuation, but then I realized that would break a certain mood I feel you were trying to create - but I kind of feel the need for a longer break indicated there.

        At least, that is how I read it. But I'm hesitant to make such remarks, because everything I've just typed here, though (I hope) well argued, is and remains nothing but my own personal preference.

        Hope it helps you to see how I've seen things, though.