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Beyond The Mist

Missing image

Echoing silence as midnight breaks

Harbour lights flicker softly in the mist

Fog captures night, prisoner it takes

neath moonlight shore gently kissed


Shadows loom upon main sails at rest

Eerie sounds as night covers the sky

Hidden horizons, tide begins to crest

Beneath the brine mysteries underlie


Lovers once danced neath moonlight

Made love in sand until early dawn

So in love, everything seemed right

Like the mist, suddenly it was gone

Dreams drowned, hidden from view

Love forsaken can no longer exist

Salty tears washed upon ocean blue

Memories now within cascading mist


Rising moon over harbour slowly fades

Remains invisible beyond fog's veil

Till morning hush when sun pervades
Voices heard to hoist the main sails

 

 

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1 - 25 of 25

  • Stuart Higginson gold member
    September 29

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    Thanks for this entry. A wonderful picture-choice to illustrate the poem with - though sadly, illustration doesn't come into the judging !!!!

    While I liked the harbour scene you presented, and felt your poem captured the essence of your chosen picture, there were flaws in this poem which detracted from that which it might otherwise have been as a finished product. The rhyme was disrupted by imbalanced metre in places: ie in your opening stanza, 9/10/9/7 which made it scan awkwardly, while the poem was burdened by repetition (of vocabulary and imagery) which meant fresh imagery, events and such things had no space to feature; it seemed almost as if you'd run out of ideas mid-way through, which was a shame. In addition, there was nothing about this poem which satisfied my request for the spirit of the age to be captured ~ little sense could be derived that this harbour scene belonged to the modern day (or modern times); it could've been a piece written about a 17th Century harbour, since even with detailing/referencing the ships, you referred to the "sails" and "masts", leaving out the potential for speaking of cruise-liners, navy vessels or anything such, and there were seemingly no features of the modern day in your harbourside area (street-lights ... modern buildings, modern items from everyday life ... the kind of clothing the lovers might've been wearing ... all of these are things you could've worked with, to present a modern harbour scene). Obviously as I asked for the spirit of the age to be captured in the rules/contest theme, this has to be one of the key considerations in my judging.

    I would be interested in seeing this poem again, if elements of the below critique were addressed, as I feel it could easily be enhanced with further attention, and shine more as I wish it had now amid the other entries in the contest. Thank you for submitting your entry nevertheless; I've enjoyed reading it, and hope the critique is useful.

    Points to consider:
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    Stanza 1 Line 4) "neath" is an abbreviation of "beneath". Should have an apostrophe to denote this - 'neath. In this line, I felt "moonlit" would be better than "moonlight" (moonlit shore), unless the place is called Moonlight Shore. Else you could add a comma after moonlight, if you're trying to say that beneath the moonlight the shore was kissed etc.

    Throughout) I felt an inconsistency in writing-style with this, which at times affected the flow, for me as a reader; ie there's a tendency for you to present the image poetically and concisely, but then for the later line to become more prose-like, using words such as "the". For example: "Eerie sounds as night covers the sky" ... the first part delivers the image/event, in a direct and concise way, without the use of words such as "the" (which you use in the latter half of the sentence). To balance lines better and keep the style more consistent, consider "Eerie sounds as night covers sky" (see where else this idea can be applied). A minor point, but which I felt necessary to raise.

    S2 L4) "Beneath the brine mysteries underlie" ... you're double-stating when using "Beneath" and "underlie" in the same sentence about the same thing. Consider revising this line. Especially since you used " 'neath " before, I'd suggest keeping "underlie" (it serves the same purpose, but lends more mystery and can hold more meanings besides that which is served by "beneath").

    S3 L1) " 'neath " again - try to feature fresh vocabulary rather than repeating used words; synonyms will freshen the poem for the reader. ("Moonlight" also used before).

    S3 L2) "Made love in sand until early dawn" ... dawn is - in itself - the epitome of "early"; first there is dawn, then there is morning, so it's virtually double-stating again. Instead of "early" you could use a word/words to present something different about the dawn - maybe a colour, the action of the sky as midnight surrenders etc., in it's place?

    S3 L3) "So in love, everything seemed right" ... "love" has just been used in the previous line, so again, think of fresh vocab; also I felt this line was somewhat banal, which is disappointing when the line-space could be used for something more original/enchanting or inspiring.

    "MIST" is over-used in this poem.

    S4 L1) "Dreams drowned, hidden from view" - "hidden" is another word used before. Since you began this line with a nice touch of alliteration, consider the synonym "veiled" (veiled from view), as this would add to the present alliteration while removing the repeated "hidden".

    Final Line Of Poem) "main sails" has already been featured earlier in the poem, which results in your poem's closing line presenting not something new and/or ponderous or satisfyingly conclusive, but something which we've already read. I found that very disappointing. If you intend this line to remain the closing-point, then perhaps remove "main sails" from its earlier line, so it becomes a fresh image in the last.










    • Sandygram
      September 29
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for reading and your critique. Sorry it wasn't up to your standards.I shall remove it. I have never worried about meter always write from my heart and feelings.I appreciate your time you took in your comment. Take care. It was a nice contest. Sandy

      • Stuart Higginson gold member
        September 29
        Edit | Reply
        Thanks Sandy. Please don't feel disheartened by this critique or that it did not quite meet the contest requirements (I mean theme, content etc., rather than any "standards" as such); obviously I have to critique/judge against various aspects of theme & guidelines, and differently to how I might critique or comment when simply browsing a poem taken at face value for what it is. So I hope there are no hard feelings; thanks again for entering and giving me a chance to read.


        • Sandygram
          September 29
          Edit | Reply
          Hi Stuart, No hard feelings at all. You take care. Sandy


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    September 16

    Edit | Reply
    This makes me wish I lived near a Harbour,
    Sydney Harbour is a bit far away from me otherwise
    I'd be there more often enjoying the sight but on the
    days I long for it I can pop round here and admire this


    ♥
    Stay safe
    Love to You
    ~Manda


  • Howard Manser gold member
    July 6

    Edit | Reply

    Soft and gentle

    Monet, what a lovely picture you paint! Howard

    • Sandygram
      July 6
      Edit | Reply

      A Lovely Comment

      Hello Howard, Thank you for stopping by to read my poem . It is appreciated. Take care. Bless you.

      Smiles, Sandy


  • Eric Marsh
    July 3

    Edit | Reply

    another gem

    this is superb.....you certainly pour all your heart and soul into your work.....a hard thing to do,,,,yet you do it intuitively......excellent......keep well....


    • Sandygram
      July 3
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You Eric

      I appreciate your thoughts on my poetry. Thank you for reading. Take care, Sandy


  • Cynthia Gaines gold member
    June 30

    Edit | Reply

    Awesome - Love it!!

    Like another poet said, about life, love and happiness: "Gam zeh ya'avor" .... (this too shall pass). Good luck in the contest!!
    Peace, love & hugs,
    Cyn


    • Sandygram
      July 1
      Edit | Reply

      Lovely Comment Dear Friend

      Good Morning Cyn, Your lovely comment is most appreciated. Hugs and Smiles, Sandy

  • chiefmac
    June 28

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely take on the prompt. Reader is drawn to the rhyme and images evoke distinct mind set. Quatrain carries this pen forward slowly, gaining speed as enthusiasm is generated for the reader

    • Sandygram
      June 30
      Edit | Reply

      Good Morning My Friend

      So nice to have you stop by and read. I do appreciate it. Hope all is well with you. Hugs and Smiles, Sandy


  • Ez Writer silver member
    June 28

    Edit | Reply

    Hi Sandy !

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem today .
    Very captivating and elegantly penned !
    A wonderful take on the prompt for sure !!
    Best wishes & hugs , Friend Easy

    • Sandygram
      June 30
      Edit | Reply

      Good Morning Easy

      Always nice to hear from my friend. Love to read your thoughts on my poetry. Hugs and Smiles. Take care, Sandy


  • Floatational
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    Good lord Sandy you have exceptional word play in all of your writes it's fills me up every time I am reading one of your poems once again this is another beautiful poem as they all are.

    • Sandygram
      June 30
      Edit | Reply

      Lovely Coment

      Good Morning, Your comment was so nice and brought me a smile. You are so encouraging. I so appreciate that. You have a wonderful day. Take care.

      Bless You,
      Sandy

  • midnightblue1272
    June 27

    Edit | Reply

    Nice.

    You may very well be the best rhyming poet I've had the pleasure of knowing. I'm already getting this picture in my head of sailing away from the harbor on a boat heading nowhere in particular. Good one, Auntie Sandy.

    • Sandygram
      June 30
      Edit | Reply

      God Morning Dear Nephew

      Hi Jamie, What a lovely thing to say. I so appreciate it. You take care. I hope all is going well at work. Hugs and Smiles.

      Bless You, Auntie Sandy


  • BluRosePoet8488
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    A beautiful piece of writing, my friend. The imagery is outstanding. I could picture every line in my mind's eye. Keep the ink flowing and good luck!
    ~Donna~

    • Sandygram
      June 30
      Edit | Reply

      Good Morning Donna

      Thank you for stopping by and reading. I appreciate your lovely comment. You take care. Hugs and Smiles/.

      Peace And Grace, Sandy


  • Puppydog gold member
    June 27

    Edit | Reply

    LOVELY!!!!!

    I can picture in my mind these happenings around the ocean on a clear, moonlit night!

    • Sandygram
      June 30
      Edit | Reply

      Great Comment

      Good Morning Kevin, Thank you for stopping by and reading. I appreciate your lovely comment. You take care. Hugs and Smiles/.

      Peace And Grace, Sandy

  • Bob Fox
    June 27
    Edit | Reply

    Sandy

    Beautiful words , visions and thoughts. Now if only. but alas we poets are always great dearmers.

    • Sandygram
      June 30

      Edit | Reply

      Thank You Sweet Friend

      Your comment is lovely Bob and most appreciated. I hope this day has you smiling in spite of the forcast. What happened to the long hot summers we knew as kids. Well you take care. I send hugs and smiles to brighten the day.

      Peace and Grace, Sandy

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