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dying, for you.

Today passed me by in a flurry of lengthy minutes and watched clocks
      .... and the kettle took forever and a day to boil.
but the playful wind ruffled my hair, and helped to pass the time.

Small squat workmen painted the outside wall today;
    ..... I watched it dry occasionally during the hours

            when I was on break from waiting for cement to set,
                    attempting to nibble at one row of a double Kitkat.
(just the one; I'm dieting since you left)
                                                            <-- they say I'm too skinny; protruding ribs

                                                                  ^ but I know they just don't understand.

It's my personal project after all; how could they possibly know
                                - grief ; anguish ; loss ; despair ... NO.

I didn't think of you once today ... Sorry ....  -
                      but I brought you your beloved peppermint tea; sorry it's cold now
                          the walls, they painted them yellow  - your favourite colour
  I had to let the cement dry, my love, before I could come visit you
Now you have a perfectly smooth path leading to your headstone

          It was difficult to manouver before - the doctors put me in a wheelchair
                    they think i'm dying just because I never eat.
                    why can't they see i'm only dying without you.

                  but soon, we'll be together again my love.




Author notes

Hmm. This didn't turn out quite as expected .. still in the editing process but, I appreciate thoughts and comments!

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

  • abu nuwas
    July 11

    Edit | Reply

    Well crafted, ie written..

    A brilliant start, so witty. I hate to read all the sad stuff, but the second part did carry it on to a different place, and then to its pathetic (in the proper sense of the word) ending. Well done!


  • JinSays gold member
    July 4
    Edit | Reply
    thank you for taking the time to enter this contest, and I wish you all the best.
    Love,
    jin


  • condor gold member
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    Well, whatever you expected, i think it turned out just beautiful. This was a very dsad story and as i read through the lines, i was shown a person who was pining for their lost love.

    why can't they see i'm only dying without you.

    I think this line really said so much. Your poem spoke so emotionally of despair and torment of not being with the one you loved.
    I think it turned out excellent and thank you so much for sharing, and the very best in the contest.