sometimes
my breath catches
in my mouth
like pieces of a
canabilistic bird
digested for the
taste
on my left wing
human flesh
festers
with vodka and
gasoline and
pipe dreams that
only see out,
never in.
eighteen year old men
howl at me
from the depths
of their hatered
and I see only blue
cloudy man-breath
and ounces of
a leaky faucet ocean.
inside the hollow
rots
my right wing bone
and feathers litter
the lining of
a stomach like
the decoration
of a sick apple.
my feet are still
caught between
the teeth
of a hungry sun
and I remember
when I didn't have
a jaw like
a snake,
always eating
the wedding
guests.
I remember when
I didn't swallow
whole worlds
of children
like a greedy
goddamn disease
hungry for manflesh
and a piece or two
of bone.
my lung cage
is made of
womens fingers and
awful gravity,
filled with oxygen bubbles
no good for
above ground
conversations
and I cried
when you told me
you died in four and a
half years
but I woke up
some say
and turned to
salt for
having feathers
instead of
eyes like Hitler
A contest entry
- move me. by Rob..
1600 points, ended July 3, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
lemme know what you think.
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Be brutal.
You have a generous imagination, good sense of sound but you need to go over your stuff very carefully. In this, you are no different from any other poet: we need to be tough on our work.
In the first stanza you have pieces of a canabilistic bird in your mouth but the second stanza suggests that you are the bird.
At this point I fear that readers wonder if subsequent images and the relationships of elements are intentional or accidental.
I think you have the potential to write some good poetry but you need to be more careful and fix the little things.
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this is pretty damn original
good stuff
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sometimes I hate knowing what your poetry is about. It's beautiful though Darling.
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sometimes I hate knowing what my poetry is about too
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"my lung cage
is made of
womens fingers and
awful gravity,
filled with oxygen bubbles
no good for
above ground
conversations"
Great imagery here.
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I like where you go with this, it's raw and thats what I like to see.
but.
a few places need some work, tightening if you will, I won't be judging until friday so re-read, get rid of the 18 year old guys part, change the third line in that stanza so the poem accepts that change, couple other places, I'm sure you will see after you change that one line..
good stuff, welcome to the finals. -
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Wow. I know that you're the judge... but wow. I suppose it just comes from not knowing exactly what the poem is about, but you should never ask someone to change actual important parts of their work. That was really rude. I understand asking to change misspellings or grammar mistakes, but this entire poem is about an eighteen year old man. I'm very protective of Danielle, so this probably seems like too much. Oh well.
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understanding what this poem is about is easy.
bottom line is if you can't stand criticism then get out of the kitchen, as it were.
being protective of friends is a good thing, but it doesn't change a damn thing.
yanno? -
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Well holy shit in a heavenly hand basket, you turned out to be a real punk. You could have at least pointed out that she misspelled "hatred" in the third stanza, but no, instead you raped her for choosing to retain a pivotal point of her poem and then bashed her for not accepting YOUR criticism.
Eh, you're hitting fowl balls over the left field fence, bro. You lost me there. -
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firstly.
I freely accept all forms of criticism, and when suggestions are made, rather than get pissed off that they don't "see me", I look to why they would suggest change. It really isn't that hard to understand, as no-one has a corner stone on poetry, and no one ever will, we learn, we grow, we experience and we do our best to articulate our mind's eye, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's shit, either way we try.
all this drama is pathetic, and not only am I done with it but....
secondly.
what in the fuck could possibly make you think I could give a flying fuck about anyone of your opinions?
really.
*rolls eyes
*waves goodbye. -
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ouch, I just got OWNED.
You're right and I actually agree with you. I especially agree on the drama part, I can't believe I dragged myself into this. At any rate, here's where I thought your criticism was lacking: you simply told her to get rid of the 18 year old part and that was that. You didn't tell her why you thought it didn't fit, you just said "get rid of it and adjust the rest to fit".
And now I apathetically bow out of this little tiff as well! Bye. -
first of all you never elaborated on your "criticism" you just told me to remove a part of my poem and then rambled on about some stanza. and when I asked you for clarification you never responded.
and when I asked you for an analysis since my poem was so easy to understand you never replied.
secondly I never bashed you for what you said. I just told you I wasn't removing the part and then I said something when you were rude to my friend too.
I never claimed that I was a poetry god. and no one was rude until you were. there's a difference between criticism and what you've done. and I'm perfectly okay with people telling me ways to improve.
but this "get rid of it" bullshit you said wasn't anything to learn from and it was far from helpful.
so if you want to continue to be an asshole that's your choice but I quite frankly think you can take your criticism and shove it.
because you're responding to only the parts of this conversation you think you can defend.
and I'm not even trying to hear that bullshit
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ha. you're cool.
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good comment
quote worthy shit man...
people that get offended
by genuine criticism
are doomed to be
prosthesis
of another man's stump
sever the stubborn
save sanity.
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waiting
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what's my poem about then?
other than what holly has said, "an eighteen year old man", i'd like an explanation on what my poem is about since it's so easy to understand
and secondly, criticism isn't telling an author to remove parts of their work.
you accept the work as a whole and judge accordingly.
if you didn't like my poem as well since it has the part about the eighteen year old man, then you should have done what you already have (sans the telling me to remove something out of my own work) and not place it. that's your choice, not the content of my piece.
there is a difference between giving a suggestion and telling someone to alter critical parts of their work.
and also, you never even got back to me as to what you were talking about on your first comment.
what you said was rude, but it's your contest...so whatever. it's my piece...so whatever.
i'm not really pleased with how you handled the first comment, but i didn't say anything about it because quite frankly i don't care what you think about my poem...i took the prompt and i wrote for it and i wrote for myself.
i respect your right to judge this contest and for your contestants not to bitch about your decisions. so i didn't. you didn't place me..that's fine and i respect that. i wrote the poem for the prompt and for myself and quite frankly i don't care if you like it or not.
i really didn't intend for this to go any farther but if you want to really get down to it, that's how i see it -
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based upon his chosen trophy winners (one wasn't even a poem, it was prose) I'd say you never had a chance in hell at winning his contest. I almost entered, but after perusing through his comments on other people's work (including yours) I quickly realized I have more important shit to do... like get drunk and toss sticky fingers at my cat and write poetry that satisfies ME.
he's a damn good writer at times, like all of us, but it's ashame he can't be less of a SHITHEAD when critiquing. HE reminds me of why I wrote the words "FUCK YOU" on the chalkboard of my college poetry class upon walking out and never returning.
heh. -
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meh. I don't care about winning his contest. I just liked the prompt.
it's all good.
I just don't appreciate his comment to holly very much.
or the fact that he said my poem was "easy to understand"
and I'm still waiting on an analysis
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meh. I don't care about winning his contest. I just liked the prompt.
it's all good.
I just don't appreciate his comment to holly very much.
or the fact that he said my poem was "easy to understand"
and I'm still waiting on an analysis
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you said this twice.
you said this twice. -
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obviously 'cause i really meant it ;]
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I like where you go with this, it's raw and thats what I like to see.
but.
a few places need some work, tightening if you will, I won't be judging until friday so re-read, get rid of the 18 year old guys part, change the third line in that stanza so the poem accepts that change, couple other places, I'm sure you will see after you change that one line..
good stuff, welcome to the finals.
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while I might be willing to tweak bits, I am not removing any anything. the eighteen year old men thing stays as it is a key element in this poem and it's highly personal. as is all my work.
third line of what stanza?
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well damn, if THAT doesn't fit the prompt nothing will. I absolutely enjoyed the hell out of this, nicely done. makes me wanna go write sumthin..
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