[Ollie and Lane are sitting in Lane's room after he loses his virginity to Lillian, discussing what it was like. Lane absently strums his guitar while smoking unfiltereds, taking drags in between speech. Ollie is aying face-up on Lane's floor, legs splayed in front of him.]
Lane: Just, holy FUCK, man. She's a fucking goddess.
Ollie: [somewhat disinterested] Yeah, dude, you told me. Like, 80 times.
Lane: [not listening to Ollie] And she's a fucking animal in bed! She's totally a screamer, and she scratched me up when she came. Best fucking experience of my life. [grins] Pun fully intended.
Ollie: You're real lucky, Lane. [quietly stated, so soft that Lane's attention is caught]
Lane: [looks up, responds in a concerned and somewhat patronizing voice] Oh! Well, hey dude, don't worry. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Trust me, you'll find a girl who's as good for you as Lillian is for me.
Ollie: [rolls onto his side] Trust me, I won't be finding any girls.
Lane: Nah, dude, listen to me on this one. I used to be as shy as you are-
Ollie: You're STILL shy, and I have no problem making friends.
Lane: [heaves an exasperated sigh and continues on as if he's never been interrupted] - as SHY AS YOU ARE, [pointed glare] but then someone taught me how to pickup chicks without really trying.
Ollie: [skeptically] Yeah, sure, and who taught you that? Was it a pim? Because I don't want to have to exercise my pimp hand to get a date.
Lane: Believe it or not, I learned this shit from Dadolf Hitler, [points down at the study below him] himself.
Ollie: [interested] Bullshit.
Lane: I shit you not. [sets his guitar down gently, in an almost comical manner, before standing and point to his cigarette] Now pay attention, because I'm about to change your life.
Ollie: The last time you said that, I smoked a bowl full of Train Wreck and thought I was the Archduke Ferdinand for two days. [pauses, considering what he's just said]
Lane: -See? Did I not deliver that time?
Ollie: [grins in spite of himself] True facts are true. Teach me the ways of the Jedi, Master Yoda.
Lane: [snickers, then mumbles around his cigarette] With great power come great responsibility. You can't take this shit and go all Darth Vader on me, young Padawan. [gestures starcastically, both of them smiling more and more]
Ollie: But see, the Dark Side is offering me cookies.
Lane: Are they full of weed?
Ollie: ... No?
Lane: Then this shouldn't even be an argument!
Ollie: [mock dejectedly] But I like cookies.
Lane: Do you like cookies more than you like getting off? [knowingly cants his head in Ollie's direction]
Ollie: [alarmed] Of course not!
Lane: Then shut the fuck up and listen! [Fishes in the pocket of his flannel shirt for his pack of Lucky Strikes. Takes one and hands it to Ollie] Put it in your mouth.
Ollie: There's a 'swallow or it's going in your eye' joke in there somewhere, but I can't think of what it is. [thinks for a moment longer and sthrugs, taking the cigarette and placing it between his lips] Uh... now what?
Lane: Stand up.
Ollie: [stands, still looking confused]
Lane: Go stand against that wall. [points to the far wall]
Ollie: [walks up to the wall and turns to face Lane, putting his hands out searchingly]
Lane: Pick one foot up, put it behind you against the wall.
Ollie: [does so, grinning as it begins to dawn on him] Lemme guess. The next step is to ever so casually lean back?
Lane: Ah, the student surpasses the teacher. [pretends to be a very sage old man] You see, Padawan. The cool pose alone gives you James Dean points out the ass. But if you add an unlit cigarette, you get rebel points. LIGHT the cigarette, and you're automatically a level 5 rebel without a cause. And if you don't want to inhale, you just let the smoke float into the air. You look really cool, and as an added plus you don't get emphysema. [smiles brightly] Now let's see your best James Dean impression.
Ollie: Uh. Okay? [slightly unsure of himself, he repeats Lane's directions to himself under his breath. His attempt to look cool fails and instead looks pained and awkward]
Lane: What- What's the fuck, dude!?
Ollie: [defensive] What!?
Lane: You're popular, right? All the frosh girls want your dick, and shit?
Ollie: I guess.
Lane: THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK LIKE MOM JUST TOLD YOU WHERE BABIES COME FROM!? [heaves a frustrated sigh] You're trying to look indifferent, not deranged.
Ollie: Fuck you, dude!
Lane: Exactly! If you want to GET fucked, you'lll stop looking like a serial killer and try to look cool.
Ollie: [grumbles under his breath for a second] Fine, whatever. Douche. [rearranges himself, past the point of caring] Better?
Lane: By God, I think he's got it!
Ollie: [grins in spite of himself, blushing] Whatever, man.
Lane: You have officially learned the oldest chick-picking-up technique in the book. I guarantee you, you put this shit into practice and you won't even need to spit game, bro. Chicks will be throwing their panties at you within the week. I bet you anything you'll lose your virginity before you know it.
Ollie: More like before you know it.
Lane: [surprised] What?
Ollie: It's not like I got my cherry popped or anything, chill.
Lane: If you didn't fuck, how far did you get!? [pauses] No, wait, let me sit down for this. [sits down heavily on his bed]
Ollie: Third base. [quietly, trying to edge toward the door]
Lane: Oh, no you don't, little brother. Come back here and tell Lane all about it. [pats the space next to him] Gimme deetz, dude. What's her name?
Ollie: [grudgingly walks back, dropping onto the bed as far away from Lane as possible] It doesn't matter.
Lane: The fuck it doesn't! I want to know who's going to be making my little bro a man
Ollie: [pauses for a long time before responding very softly] His name is Santos.
Lane: [ jaw drops in surprise. He's silent for several seconds then closes his mouth, thinking. He finally breaks the silence by saying] ...So that's why you've been going to your dojo so much.
Ollie: [laughs ashtonishedly] That's it? No jokes?
Lane: Dude, you're my little brother and my best friend. Either way, it's way too late in the game for me to break in a new wingman. But I'm not going to gay bars and getting all sparkly and shit to get you laid, 'cause quite frankly, I don't love you that muc. [affectionately punches him in the shoulder]
Ollie: Thanks, dude.
Lane: Don't mention it.
Ollie: Speaking of not mentioning... Don't tell Mom and Dadolf?
[both wince at the image it creates]
Lane: Agreed. Now get the fuck off my bed, dude. I don't think you want to be sitting on these sheets.
Ollie: Gross!
[curtain closes]
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