cynicism

dear adrieline,


i am the morning sun. the stars scorching hearts between your shoulder blades. i am she who made your world from ice and titanium and locked your broken bones away in cages woven from heart break. i am sorry.

i was masochistic. i was tired and sore and lost and you were whole and healthy. i forced scars into your skin in the hope that they would form a map. i traced constellations over your hip bones and whispered softy to your soul.

'youarenotbeuatiful.youarenotbeautiful'

---

i saved you in the summer. do you remember? he pushed you down into the grass and kissed you with burning passion. he told you that you were the reason the sunset was laced with gold and hope. you were the light in his eyes and the answer to all his questions. adrieline, he was lying. you believed that he loved you. all he wanted was to feel your fingers tangled in his heartstrings while he dragged you down beneath waves of hope and left you drowning in your own self-consciousness.

you are stronger than i will ever be. you are a comet. a blazing light crashing to the earth. children make wishes as you fall, still believing that comets are nothing more that rock. they are wrong. comets are hope and beauty and sincerity. comets are catastrophic and hopeful and deadly. but more that that; comets are love.

you are made of wish bones and fairy dust and self doubt. but still, you are beautiful. i am flickering motel lights and cheap alcohol and three am drivers on wet roads.


and all i wanted was for you to show me where to go.

---

you lost yourself between Starbucks and the ice-cream shop on the corner and i never meant for you to meet him. he was much too perfect. all white teeth and honeyed eyes. his heart was whole and yours, beautifully broken. he sewed you together with clouds and dried glass and you gave your all to him.

could you not hear me screaming in your ear. he was not meant for you. you fit together like summer insects and honey. you were too scattered. he knew you were meant to fly with the wind and melt with the rain. he knew you were nothing more that a girl shaped kite trying to escape the bounds of reality. he tangled your string and tied you to him with the promise of happily ever after.

i couldn't save you. i'm sorry.

---

adrieline, you must believe that i never knew tissue paper could be so fragile. i never expected you to tear the way you did. i tried to pick you up and glue you back together with apologies, but i couldn't find a pulse and you veins were laced with arsenic and cynicism.


and i never meant for it to end this way.




-stephanie.