From Behind the Waterfall

I've been living a lie,
Because I hated the direction taken by my life.
I let it get out ahead of me,
And all of the sudden I'm so much less free.
I hate what I have become,
Not sure if I hate it more or less than where I got here from.

The rage and fire inside
Has been masked for so long since I got on this ride,
I'm not even sure who or what I honestly do love anymore,
I've been so angry I had to fake it to myself to get off of the floor.
Not honest with myself, I've been lying to you,
I wanted and meant to be true!

But you and I know that had I been honest all along
We wouldn't be here like we are now.

Now, If I hate myself and where I am right now,
And I can not even be calmed by my meditation in the Tao,
Where is the harm in changing the path,
And somewhere along the lines getting rid of my wrath?

I don't hate everything,
I especially enjoy you and the happiness being with you brings.
I have in fact done my best to get to somewhere I can feel good about,
I have worked hard, and I am devout.

I will make something of myself and this life,
I am so much stronger than any amount of strife.
I didn't want this,
But I wouldn't show that anything was amiss
I knew that I could turn this into some amount of bliss,
So long as I let the past go, forgot, and would never reminisce.

My past forgotten and forsaken,
If anybody knew were I'd been privy to this, they were mistaken;
I emerged from the shadows of a hazy past,
The mysteries I left behind were vast.
Unable to merge who I was with who I am,
I abandoned my innocence and devoured the lamb.

Unconcerned for myself, I became a beast,
I couldn't be hurt, I felt I had become released.
Out for myself,
All but immediate gratification and survival was put on the shelf.
From the savage, I went to become educated,
To better myself and my life, I was walking on a thread.

A few times I'd meant to be wed,
But they all fled, and in the end, to Men I was Dread.
I was out for blood, falling in love was the last thing I wanted.
My heart, haunted,
You walked into my life and my walls fell out of place,
My plan dissipated, never to be seen again, gone without a trace.

Now I have a reason to leave my darkness behind,
My old anger I must come to amends with, I find.
So determined I was to hide my past
That I came to deny my darkness, hard and fast.
Having denied it for so long, I forgot it was there,
Honest with you is all I wanted to be, I delved into the darkness with you, all I could bear.

And this is where we find ourselves now,
Myself, determined to learn to share myself with you, though not sure how,
I'm learning along the way, but I owe this not to you,
For myself, I need to find a way to be honest for me, I won't let it be more than I can chew.

Thank you for loving me through my darkness,
I'm on a mission to get out of this mess.
And one day I promise,
You know so much about me, to you I'm already honest,
One day you won't have to guess,
My mind hasn't always been a losing game of chess.