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The 19th Of June

Straight dark hair,
Tan dark skin
Lashes quite long,
Brown eyes within

Full luscious lips,
Tongue as soft as snow
Contagious smile,
A laughter we all know

Curvaceous abs,
Below her teardrop breasts
Collar bone the letter V,
Nape of back the best

Wondrous little handfuls,
Upon her stunning rear
Legs that lead to Valhalla,
And arms to hold me near

The perfect women,
In my own eyes I see
The perfect man I'm not,
Maybe one day I'll be

Written By Beau G. Bennett 06-24-09

Author notes

Im really sory if this is lame for most erotic poem staderds but i wrote this after the first tiem i ever had sex with someone that i loved and all ive ever written about in the past is about regection and pain or other peoples pain os this is a big step for me please be gentle i know im not gonna get past the first round but I thought id at least try to get some good feedback on how to write a piece like this, i really am very talented but this area of writting just is so new to me so please be constructive, so anyway thanks for the oportunity to at least try to enter an erotic poem contest i apreciate it

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • PassionsPromise gold member
    September 20

    Edit | Reply
    It is a wonderful love poem and first time adventure but needs a little more spice. In fact, I do believe you have talent. I like the structure of the piece and the flow, but, it just doesn't have the heat I am looking for. I am sorry. I do think with some work you could do erotic well.

    I thank you for the entry and wish you best in all that you endeavor.

    entried, denied. Please, submit another piece.

    Passionspromise


  • maktub
    July 31

    Edit | Reply
    ha not sleazy....sweet and a seductively honest way. Definitely new from you, but I enjoyed it!
    Smile♫


  • Stormy Sky
    June 24
    Edit | Reply
    it's nice. I like it. Good job. very visual and pretty. she's going to love it.


  • white stone
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    much much much better. She should love this. I would change lushes to luscious though, unless you mean she has the lips of people who drink alot of liquor. That's what "lushes" means.


  • white stone
    June 24
    Edit | Reply
    I like the flow and imagery of this... but I think that you should just make line breaks there the commas are. I hate mid-line commas. Like this (I'll pick my favorite part):
    "Full luscious lips
    tongue as soft as snow
    contagious lips
    a laughter we all know"
    Also, please change the background colors to a less distracting darkness, please. That purple and powder blue drives me nuts.
    Good write.


  • txchick
    June 24
    Edit | Reply
    Its really good. I'm sure she'll like. ( i know i said that already) and it doesnt sound sleazy.


  • rrw gold member
    June 24

    Edit | Reply

    solid

    Well, I don't see any need for revisions with this piece... looks solid, heart felt... imaginative.

    Tongue as soft as snow
    Contagious smile,

     

    Nice use of sensory imagery here. The whole poem really emphasises the special nature of the moment and the character you are talking about... works well.


    • Acidbath
      June 24
      Edit | Reply
      thanks you as i said in my author coments im totally new to this type of poem so i want as much feedback from this comunity as i can get i dont want her to freak out and not like it

1 - 8 of 8