Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

stop killing me, mommy!

the scraped uterus of her non-mother is screaming
life so quickly taken from its walls
a greenhouse full of future dreaming
innocent seedling dead before she's grown.

hey mother, how could you do this?
I should not be made of ash so soon
the stars have brought me to you
from the love that you have shown.

be I born from not such love
and from my daddy's ravished lies
I'm not ugly, I'm your child
I am made from you; I have your eyes.



Author notes

I know you didn't want rhyme but hopefully I am good enough at it for you not to disqualify me.

Inspired by "a billion" by Amaranthine Lover

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6
  • shelbi
    October 21
    Edit | Reply
    wow... i love this


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    July 8
    Edit | Reply
    Good to see a well structured piece in this contest!

  • Lilac Moon silver member
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    The best line for me was "I am made from you; I have your eyes." (although in the context of this piece, I would have contracted "I am" to "I'm").

    The rhythm of this piece is lacking from stanza to stanza.

    Compare the first and last ones to see what I mean.

    The line "be I born from not such love" is forced and unnatural.

    The rhyming does not flow for me; but based on your imagery, I think you would do well if you set yourself free from rhyme.

    Lilac Moon


    • Daniela Violin silver member
      July 3
      Edit | Reply
      I do set myself free from rhyme, read my other stuff, most is free-verse but I write both. I don't find that line forced, I like it... I've seen forced rhyme, this is not it.

      • Lilac Moon silver member
        July 17
        Edit | Reply
        I guess also what tripped me up was the switch from the perspective of objectivity to the first person perspective (stanza one is in third person, stanzas 2 and 3 are in first person).

        You have a way with words, for sure.

        Here is my edit to this piece:

        Scraped uterus is screaming,
        life taken from its walls;
        a greenhouse full of dreaming,
        I’m dead before I’m grown.

        Hey, Mom, how could you do this?
        I’m salted ash too soon.
        The stars have brought me to you
        from the love that you have shown.

        Was I born from only lust
        and from his ravished lies?
        I'm not ugly, I’m your child;
        I'm made from you, I have your eyes.


        My two cents

        Lilac Moon


  • XRainbowliciousX
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    I think you did an awesome job...but I don't like the hey mother part...I think it should be like mother or mom...b/c the hey sounds strange..but that's just my opinion. Good luck on the contest.

1 - 6 of 6