Lament me not as I lie greying
in the ground. It's you who lives with sin and pain
and rotting yellow grass beneath your feet.
There is nothing under mine, nor will I feel
the sodden bogs again.
Heed not the tears of sentient souls
full of fresh regard for the dead.
They know not the pleasure of quietus or
the relish of the void.
Mark not my obelisk with sentiment
or blooms. Save platitudes for those in need
of cheer. Cry not for me down here,
for tonight I feel the tender arms
of sleep. In my repose I am
at ease. No drumming heart, or the
ruthless roar of guilt
awakens me.
Author notes
*POM Contest*
Theme: Wise words from the grave.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended June 29, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round 1 - Auditions.. 2 entries and PWs by T.o.r.t.u.r.e..
1400 points, ended September 22, 82 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Freeverse Only. [PW's Allowed] by OurxBeginning.
400 points, ended October 14, 75 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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A really deep and compelling piece. Kind of sad, to be honest. Wonderful word usage too. It added a whole lot more meaning. Thanks for entering and good luck.
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This is truely gold. I really like this verse, along with the whole dang thing, lol
~~Cry not for me down here,
for tonight I feel the tender arms
of sleep. In my repose I am
at ease. No drumming heart, or the
ruthless roar of guilt
awakens me.!~
Stef, you are one of the best on AP. period.
Joe
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Beautifully written...love your word choices. Your flow I felt overall good, but I don't like chopping your line in the middle...but I know you have the line count to think of.
Nice title, liked your theme. Very lovely!
Thanks for your entry!
I liked the way you flipped this over, and helped us think of living actually being dead...wonderful!
My scores:
Theme: 9
Title: 9
Flow: 8.5
Grammar: 9
Creativity: 9
Rules: 10
Voice: 9.5
Imagery: 10
Thought factor: 9.5
Impact: 9.5
Overall scores: 93
Remember, no editing once a judge has touched your score!
Thanks!
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Splendid write
A few suggestions real quick from my point of view...>>>
Lament me not....COMMA
IT IS you...COMMA who lives with sin and pain -
I am merely sugesting to focus on your Poetic Tone -
Commas are your greatest tool in poetry.....do not be afraid to sloooow me down so I can absorb all of your visuals and thoughts
....no need to rush me through something so pretty -...and when you wrap a sentence around....ie.>>
** as I lay greying in the ground**
**sentient souls full of fresh**
**sentiment or flowers**
Be cautious with your thoughts and do not allow my brain to stumble when there is a *period too far around the corner*
Bring down.....*In my response, I am at ease...........*
....and the dated time-stamp of **traffic buzz** ruined the whole shakesperian Tone you had going on....IMHO-
Let my board say the rest....good luck....excellent job here
Bear -
Title 9.95....had me curious.....I would click on this Title....excellent choice -
Flow 9.25....good Flow...wrap-around lines were a tad awkward....for me -
Depth 9.35.. depth is good for 17 lines allotted to you, but I believe you should have taken the time to really expand on each lin before it wrapped around.....I wanted to hear more -
Theme 9.25....YOUR approach is fresh and considered quite good....but yes, I have seen this Theme a few times.... -
Feelings 9.95...dramatic....impossible to not be caught up...I was waiting for curtain call and standing ovation to happen
- Grammar 9.8...love that power! .....wise choices of words.....the *traffic* thingy though, really killed my high on your write -
Presentation 9.0....format is okay....a tad long in areas...do not be afraid to break up your thoughts after commas.....sloooow me down -
Uncommonness...9.5...Theme has been donea few times....but I like your approach -
Sit & Ponder Affect 10..I did ponder....had to read it a few times....loved it ....just dont **date** your writes.....(The Wizard of OZ is timeless....so should your writes be.....IMO -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...nice job
-Bears Score: 96.05
Nice
No editing once a Judge has touched your work -
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This is beautifully written. It quite reminds of me of "Weep not for me when I am gone Into that gentle night". I think that many poets have expressed the desire to have those left behind get on with the business of living rather than grieve, but grief is really for the living so we will always do it for those we lose. We don't grieve them, we simply grieve our own losses.
I like the feeling of peace that the write gives off. Glad I stopped by to read it
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Hi : Welcome to POM.
Beautifully written, very strong word choices that go together so well. The only expression to me that seemed slightly out of place was :
No traffic buzz
everything else was full of rich imagery but that just seemed to drag me back to reality. Just a personal viewpoint though.
An excellent entry, best of luck in the contest.
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Love this! Yes, the theme has been done before, but you've out done it! Excellent title. Word choice is phenomenal. I don't know what to say. Again, I love it!
Title: 9.5
Flow: 9
Creativity: 9.25
Imagery: 9
Grammar: 9
Presentation: 9
Impact: 9.25
Uniqueness: 9
Emotion: 9
Rules: 10
92.00/100
Good luck in the contest, and please remember, no editing once a judge has commented on your work.
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I really like your title, and your poem is beautifully stated, the word choices are so strong.
Thanks for your entry, and best in the contest!
Remember, no editing please after a judge has touched your poem. -
Wow, this is excellent! Kind of sad, but your imagery is brilliant!
Best wishes in the contest
gaylene
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Hi, and welcome to the POM
I've seen this theme in poetry before, though it's not a common one. This is great, though... Very genuine and full of emotion. Good luck, & thanks for your entry
Laura.
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I LOVE IT!!!!
This would be a perfect paragraph for an eleugy someday. We should never feel bad for those who have passed. They no longer have to endure the stress ans suffering that the living has to. As usual, you use exquisite adjectives in your elegant and powerful verses!
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Great title! Like the theme also, though it has been used many times, you have put a different spin on it. I enjoyed the read, the flow and your willingness to read and follow the rules. The vocabulary in this piece made it well worth the read.
Thanks for entering and best wishes,
Frogz~ -
Ah, most deftly done poem, with a slight nod to Buddhism, perhaps, again finely conceived and expertly executed. Loved it!
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clever and though provoking, a very solid piece, great job poet, i especially liked " the ruthless roar of guilt"
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not sure what to say. . .
I don't have the right words to tell how powerful this is. "the ruthless roar of guilt" - wow. . .I like every line. . .good luck, poet.
There is nothing under mine, nor will I feel
the sodden bogs again.
♠ Lady Elinor
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wisdom at peak, all the bet in the contest
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