Pretty women sipping coffee and tea,
coy gazes are cast about,
blushing faces,
whispers of love carried on the wind,
Mothers gently scorn children,
adourned with bountiful curly locks of blond hair that bounce with every stride,
Jazz eminates from the jukebox,
with an occasional skip,
no one seems to notice,
A chill crawls up my spine as I sip my joe,
that dark full body roast,
Surrounded by converstions too quiet to dissern,
a sense of serenity consumes.
A contest entry
- Contest of Hope by spiritraven.
950 points, ended June 25, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrite contest - round 1 by serenity silvermoon.
929 points, ended October 12, 461 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
sitting at a cafe
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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lovely images in this poem and great observations of what is going on around. I love this line:
*whispers of love carried on the wind (whisper was misspelled)
On line 1 pritty should be *pretty
also on line 5, you should change gentley to *gently
line 6 should be *adorned instead of adourned .
Mistakes aside , this is a beautiful poem and I enjoyed reading it.
keep on writing!
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Very good imagery! Very calming...good job!
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Very sensual poem! I work in a coffee shop, so I can relate. I loved the flow, the wording, and the last stanza, "Surrounded by conversations to quiet to dissern, a sense of serenity consumes." So true.
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So peaceful, and relaxing.
Nice. =] -
sounds like a peaceful and serene environment.
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Nice job with great imagery. Glad you aren't sipping some form of latte ... with a double shot
just good old joe ... I enjoyed the read a lot. Come look at piccola's library ... it's a nice group.
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This is a lovely picture you've painted here. My only suggestion would be to proofread before you post, since too many spelling- and grammar-errors, no matter how minor can distract your reader from the message or image you are conveying.
Well done & keep writing!
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I enjoyed reading this poem, nice job!
Nela
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I suggest you run this through a spell check to root out those spelling errors and the odd typographical.
You have a decent grasp of both the imagery and narrative aspects so I suggest you continue to write and your abilities will naturally hone themselves. A few pointers can help, though.
I suggest you format the text starting from the left hand side, instead of centred, as it can give you an easier visual comprehension of individual line lengths and the effects of those varying lengths.
I also suggest you rationalise the usage of the end of line comma a little better. It seems to be that they are merely there to be line enders, but, that can be detrimental; as descriptors and directors of how the writing is to be read, ending each line with one gives the aesthetics of the overall poem a juvenile appeal. That and it also gives the poem a stop start rhythm. -
Interesting
Thank you for entering my contest with such and interesting piece
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