Brantley

i remember the sutures we used to use to hold our hearts together
after every phone call, and every screaming fight in my car
i've been numb for so long that i had forgotten what this ache felt like
this guilt, remorse, questioning, anger and that all around feeling of hopelessness
when my mascara runs, and my chest feels like its full of nothing but acid
its sunken in and i'm wondering why this always happens
I remember the night it finally hit me
and i was on the floor of your hallway with my knees to my chest
and i looked up at you and said, "we aren't gonna last are we?"
"we are falling apart and its not going to last much longer, its over isnt it, its really done"
and you told me, "Babygirl, we will, we can make it through this, I love you, come back to bed"
he is telling me the same things, and it hurts just as much as it did when your voice would break
differant people. and differant situations
but it all hurts the same, and it all feels like deja-vu
sandpaper against my ribcage, and no clear thoughts going through my mind
i tore out your sutures, convinced i could heal without them
and i did, but it was an easier wound to re-open that way
Life goes on, but its honestly just a cycle of second guesses, pain, and contentness