eye witness
your tears of honest rage
the fulminant ocean
that roars the song of your heart.
your voice is guaranteed by your blood
most noble son of Adam, my soul's own twin...
there's untold mystery behind your eyes
colored like smoke in a dusky sky
that keeps me guessing...
I watch in awe the transformation
in and outside and extend my hand
palm pale with want of you.
take this journey with me
into this crucible that cleanses
when they ask me;
"what will you sacrifice?"
I can bear the loss of everything
if I can only keep our love.
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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poet
a gem of a writefilled with love and devotion. It could be said of this write that it is more then the love of one. It is the love of many indeed. Excellent. -
You are making progress with this. That penultimate line is quite moving and keeps the poem much more focused. The stew of metaphors is quite exact, this is certainly better. Im glad that my comments were of some help. Best
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well
poet some magical lines of loved penned by a very talented poet.seems you have ctreated a godlike man out of a wonderful imagination. excellent write.
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Very wise
An intelligent piece of write here my friend, I love your style of writting it is so in depth. wonderful. may your pen write on
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I have been thinking further about my comment and I think, in essence, the point I wanted to make about the 3rd stanza was that the abundance of strong visual imagery detracts from the emotions you are writing about. As I read it I began thinking about the Crusades, King Arthur, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, paganism, Stonehenge etc by which time I had forgotten what the poem is about. Hope it is OK to write this. All the best
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thanks, Andrew, I do appreciate your objective and honest feedback, it is very useful to me. I never know how a poem scans until someone else reads it and gives their constructive impressions. upon re-reading, I did indeed tinker with the last stanza, which was a stew of metaphor, and I will probably make more changes in time, but might let it sit like this for a spell. if you do check back I welcome your feedback with gratitude. Peace.
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This is such a passionate write and it would seem that the emotions of the situation really took control of the imagery, as if no one single image could convey the depth of feeling of the narrator and, I think, because of that too many allusions were included to try and put across something of the experience. I am inclined to agree with an earlier comment that the final stanza needs a bit of work, gilded cage, crucible, sacrifice, grail.. seems a little over done, if you don't mind my saying. You opened so well with that punchy first line 'eye witness' ( I witness) This is undoubtedly a poem inspired by strong emotions and one worth working on just don't take your eyes off the road!. With respect
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Strong penning here, enjoyed until the last stanza just think perhaps too many words in that 2nd line of the last stanza?? Perhaps
C
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thanks, that's good food for thought, I had similar feeling, banged this out after the ideas started popping while I was driving home. (always seems to happen when writing it down isn't practical...) anyways, I appreciate your feedback. will most likely be tinkering with it, that long line is particularly needful of pruning...
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