It all looked good on paper
You thought I’d fill your dreams
As happens in most capers
What you thought’s not what it seems
I was a willing lover
The looks the style the scene
The book with gold leaf cover
Not matching what’s in between
There were no tales, no secrets
What’s there is what you got
I’m not a store bought template
Not as you might have thought
Best laid plans of mice and men
Fail as well as succeed
Instead of what could have been
Could it be a planted seed?
So the plan has changed a tad
And the path has changed its course
It’s changed that’s all, not bad
No reason to show remorse
Two sides to each single sheet
Two tales that can be told
Choose the one that gives a treat
A treasure you can hold.
Author notes
Not at all what I started to write but TA DAH!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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WELL...ITS A MIGHTY FINE WRITE ANYWAY
NICELY PENNED
T
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Interesting. I like how you are saying that you arent what she expected but that doesnt mean that you are bad, just different. Did you misrepresent yourself? Or maybe this is all made up... anyways, i like it, it makes me think. I can relate to it. I also love the backround!
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Beautiful work! I really enjoyed this piece! I know I have started out writing, time and time again, planning on writing one thing, just to turn around and the end and say, wait... This is even better! You did an excellent job with this!
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Nice write. I like the idea you introduce the poem with, in the first stanza. I can definitely relate to your Author Notes as the pen sometimes leads us in mysterious ways, regardless of our plans.
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I like the message you are trying to put through, and i can see it. But in a few stanzas the rhyme sounds a bit forced and the flow gets interrupted by missing or extra syllables. Proofread it and tweak it to the best of your ability and you will have a wonderful poem with an even better message
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This started sooo well! And then I got to the fourth stanza and I don't know what happened. I think the message gets lost. The only lines I liked in those last stanzas was:
Two sides to a single sheet
Two tales that can be told
I like that idea, go with it!
It's difficult with rhyme to have lines that fit and that convey a specific message, but you have a great start. I think with a few tweaks you could really have something here.
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I really like this poem!
I think the first thing you might do is add punctuation to enhance the read,
example:
It all looked good on paper,
You thought I’d fill your dreams.
As happens in most capers,
What you thought’s not what it seems!
I was a willing lover,
The looks, the style, the scene!
The book with gold leaf cover,
Not matching what’s in between.
actually, there is no second thought, i like it just as it is! Nice write. -jeff
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