melatonin.

dear juana,

i've had strange dreams lately. & they scare me, but not while i'm sleeping. only when i think about them. maybe it's because they remind me of real life, and i thought dreams were meant to be fiction. made for flashing through your mind to pass the time with closed eyes. i dunno; i think i'd like to know who invented dreams. it's nothing like a lighbulb or motor vehicle, so i'm thinking it has to be someone like the inventor of shadows, or praying. who knows; maybe i'm making it up.
*
i dream about carnivals sometimes. but not real carnivals, the kind little kids make up. with towers that change in to prehistoric animals and legos that make up high-ways. things that change; just because you want them to.
*
you'd think carnivals would be happy places. but the colors are always tootootoo bright, and the lights are always a bit more blinding than preferred. why do you think that is?
*
two nights ago, i dreamed i was with a crowd of familiar faces. and they were smiling. and they were excited. and they were all happy to see me. we all saw a storm coming. but the sky was still bright. and they were all still smiling. and they were all still excited. and they were all still happy to see me. so we climbed into a tower of rainbowed bricks, like it was a thunderstorm retreat. the inside was made of moonbounce bridges and looked like a human body; maybe a lesson in anatomy. but who knows? i raced my little brother to the top and we played games you only see on tv gameshows. we hurried back down from the tower as the storm folded into the skyline.
*
this is where i stop thinking about the dream.
or the end of the dream.
or what it means to have a million different dreams in one night.
*
did you know they only last seconds? so; why do i only remember the bad ones?
*
*
*
when my feet hit the moist sand at the
bottom of the tower; my brother was
gone. and my mom wasn't pointing
out rainbows. and there was nobody
there to smile. or be excited. or be
happy to see me.
iwasalone.
and it was the most horrible feeling i've felt in my life.
there was a forest surrounding me and the trees leaned in odd angles that whispered 'encroaching'. the sky was restricting on my vocal cords and my eyelids fluttered in an attempt to get me out.
*
why does it hurt to be lonely?
*
i've been thinking that maybe i'd like to forget how to dream. so maybe, i can blink my eyes twice and realize i'm staring at my ceiling before i have a chance to loose my footing and fall into a philosophical based nightmare.
*
i can only be so lucky.


love,
cheyenne♥