i danced around your spot in the courtyard, even dreamed we shared it. but like the tide rolls in each night, reality crawled back home. my ears were stuffed with something like needles; pain at the lie, pain at the truth, pain at nothing. so i was the victim, and you were the fire.
the possibilities were endless, but left as empty as the chair you traded for a wheel. it was a missed call when you saw my cards, and folded. as if the wind needed more speed, the dealer called the shot.
that day you played football, i watched. to see you glide. i remember wishing i was the ball just so you would want me. but today, i'd grow spikes so you could bleed like the many before me.
and you wouldn't even know.
Author notes
this is my first piece of writing in a pretty long time, so please don't kill me mean comments.
anyway, i drew from both imagination and personal events for this. i'm interested in any constructive comments or thoughts you might have about this. not sure if i should add more details or not, and i think the ending might suck. and just so you know, this was extremely hard to write without a prompt.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This was deep and moving and the idea of playing games was nicely reincorced throughout.
s ~Genie~
9.1 -
i agree with all of the comments below. i don't think this sucks but it could use some work. keep on working thru the summer and your work will improve. viyanna rosemarie
8.8
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8.6
The repetition of "pain" in the first paragraph kind of made it weaker to me.
It took an original turn on "games" which is something I enjoyed.
The score tells my other opinions on this. No criticism, other than the repetition. -
8.7
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This is pretty good! I agree with Tyler, maybe something to connect the whole piece together would add a nice touch, but what you have here is great! I'll be looking forward to reading more of your work this summer!
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I think you could have a better title.
The imagery all relates to games, however in here I thought they were somewhat disconnected. But having a title that wraps it all together definitely helps a little bit, so maybe think of a title that has to do with playing games or anything relevant to that?
Otherwise, I like what you have here. I like how you wrapped the needle concept at the end with the spikes coming from the football. It's so simple, but you took something so general and made it unique.
I like the high school vibe this has too, it's easy to relate. And what makes it even more interesting is the fact that you were still poetic.
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Thanks! I'm glad it didn't totally suck. I'll be thinking of a new title..
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