I travel on the London Underground,
where under Tower Hill the subways wind,
the wind of noisy trains leaves smoke behind
and smokers lean on walls that curve around.
In curving echo chambers can be found
confounded beggars hoping I'll be kind;
their kind are joined by buskers, more refined,
some fine musicians earning coins through sound.
Resounding clatters signal there's a train,
and train the passengers to shift and stir.
The shifting air caresses, then is gone,
and gone are businessmen: yet I remain.
My main aim is to visit Westminster,
so west on Circle Line I'll travel on.
Author notes
My first Petrarchan sonnet and first wreath. It's a day of firsts!
A contest entry
- Wreath me a Sonnet! by Nickelspring.
2250 points, ended July 7, 20 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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If this is your first on both a Petrarchan sonnet and a wreath, Im very impressed! I love the ease with which you have woven the wreath- both homophones and conceptual wreathing. I also find good literary techniques sprinkled through. I like the shift in feel from the octave to the sestet. I had to pause a bit at the 13th line...
The wreathing is superb and the overall wreathing (ending with "I'll travel on" to circle back to the beginning "I travel on") makes it seems complete. Excellent piece.
Thank you for entering this lovely one in my contest.
K
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Petrarchan sonnets in English are pretty challenging, and the wreath is quite a challenge even with the more English-attuned Elizabethan. (I have yet to try one, but I am fascinated by just reading them!)
The images of the sonnet seem to pass as though viewed through the windows of the train, registering on the senses even as the rider's thoughts are on his purpose and his goal.
The wreaths are interesting, revealing both creativity and diligence in application of the poet's craft.
Line 13's "Westminster" gives a bit of a pause. The final 2 feet seem not so iambic as the others of the poem. But this is poetry after all. If the author and his readers are stirred to reverse the usual stresses of "Westminster" as might a hip-hop rhythmic rhymer, I believe the poetic license has been issued to do so.
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Quite like this rhyme scheme today.
The thirteenth line only flows well for me if I pay attention to the full stop before it and pause shortly. Not a problem at all.
I keep finding you in these contests that I have entered! Maybw we should tell each other when we find a nice form contest like this so we can become enemies and have a jolly good time fighting (though my punches won't hurt much if I write the way I have been - desperate rubbish to fill the page)
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I meant to say...it's not deliberate, lately I try to enter contests from the Contest listing instead of via favourites' poems.
Anyway...bring it on!!!
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Wonderful! I did feel my brain stumbled on the
next to last line. Good read!
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Thanks for pointing it out, unfortunately I can't do a lot about it now!
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This brings back some memories of stays in London. I think you have captured the atmosphere of the tube.
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I've travelled on the underground hundreds of times and you have captured its essence.
Nicely written.
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Wow. That's like going up to bat for the first time and hitting a home run! I love how the wreathing seems to echo the bustle and the motion of the train itself. Your details are so accurately seen: "And train the passengers to shift and stir". I remember the strange whoosh of the air as the trains pulled out of the stations in Chicago.
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Wow! This for a first? That's like stepping up to bat for the first time and hitting a home run! What is particularly interesting to me is the fact that the wreathing to me, at least, in this case, echoes the
bustle of the train's motion and the passengers.
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Well, ea's column on wreath forms was very helpful, and I had read one way back and determined to write one after I read it.
I hadn't thought about the wreathing suggesting the train's motion. Interesting thought
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Wow, this is a wonderful wreathed sonnet! I am partial to my memories of my NY subway days and its buskers (married one) so this resonates with me. You've really handled this very smoothly, with nice innovative touches with the shifts in the words you've chosen to weave.
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I'm not sure how, but I'd revise the ending.
The whole poem sounded more...morose?
But the ending took a happier turn.
Not sure if you were going for that.
But if you were, then no revision needed.
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I'm hoping the happier turn was purely a result of the exclamation mark, and have removed it. Good call. It was a little out of place amidst the serious descriptive tone of the octet.
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