I know that my heart keeps secrets from me.
If I peeled through the folds of costal pleura like gossamer, I would find my desires stuck between my ribs.
It beats like a recently divorced woman shoving too many belongings into her suitcase.
Past loves and goals sink to the bottom of my chambers like the sugar floats to the floor of his sweet tea glass.
When the golden rays of Midwestern sunshine fall upon my chest, I open my eyes and shake the nightmares from my hair.
As I lay in my bed of soil, I wish it was a bed of flowers.
My mother told me that I wish too much, but I blow kisses to the stars at night.
The nine and a half months that I was in the womb were the best of my life. I wish that I lived off of choices that weren't my own, that I hear what people want me to hear, that I ate the second-hand Doritos my mother loved to eat when her blood was still keeping me alive.
I don't.
Want to be born?
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Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Good job on this..nice use of metaphores..so good..You express your emotions very well indeed..nice flow to this..easy read..Effective wording usafe..came across well...I enjoyed this..Take care
John
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promising
Bones
I like the tension in this poem. Personally I would prefer it if you kept your line lengths a bit shorter.
I sometimes wonder whether when thoughts are rambling that the structures should be tighter
Also I think it would work better if you kept it all in the present tense, apart from the obvious allusions to the past.
I would suggest that you delete the 'that' in the first line, the definite article from sugar in line 5,
The given line
When the golden rays of Midwestern sunshine fall upon my chest, I open my eyes and shake the nightmares from my hair.
Would be better as
When the golden rays of Midwest sun fall upon my chest,
I open my eyes and shake nightmares from my hair.
Please, ditch or change
I wish that I lived off of choices that weren't my own,
Your ending needs working on. I want the ending to be clever but I'm rather veered towards the opinion that it is just bad English. It would probably work if the subject wasn't separated from the predicate, but as you have done there must be a purpose, sorry I'm too thick to see what it is.
Dooney.
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Your thoughts seem scattered, lovely. Unusual for you. You're always so focused. Wrapping everything together so it falls perfectly. It seemed a bit choppy, but I loved your images.
"It beats like a recently divorced woman shoving too many belongings into her suitcase."
I love those lines. -
"Past loves and goals sink to the bottom of my chambers like the sugar floats to the floor of his sweet tea glass."
This line was very tangible for me, perhaps because I'm living in the deep south, dealing with undissolved sugar... I really enjoy the use of images, hints of location.
The only thing that really threw me off was the second to last stanza (the nine and a half months...). It is so much longer, with a much poorer poetic quality from the rest of the piece. I think perhaps you could spread it out into two or three separate stanzas, images, like you do with the rest of the poem. It would flow much more effectively.
i love the last lines. Don't change those.
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An interesting use of imagery in the analogy.
Unlike your prior comment I found this cohesive and straight forward.
Whilst it reads like a diary entry I see no reason to revise. Keep it as it is, I say, and use it as a point of reflection.
After all, the poetry is written and revised in the next write.
An image that stuck with me is "When the golden rays of Midwestern sunshine fall upon my chest, I open my eyes and shake the nightmares from my hair." Something soothing about the image in itself.
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Started out good...
You lost me after "Past loves sink to the bottom of my chambers...
The ending lines made me go..huh???
Please, there are some amazing images here but the flow is off or goes off track.
1. What are you trying to say or get me to feel??
2. What do the images of the front of the poem have to do with the feelings of the end of the poem?
As always, it is your work, do what you will...just keep writing..
IM
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thanks for commenting. i see what you mean but then again i feel like i don't want to make people understand and i don't want them to feel anything... it's not all cohesive because i don't feel that way. thanks for taking your time, also. i love iron maiden.
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