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Spit

my breath is sleeping
thick and orange
making its way under the street light
rain drops competing for first place
my absence of thought echoing
into the stillborn night

your large hands like hooks
grip my sandpaper feet
and you swing me around
the way we wish hands on the clock could dance

i am left in strands
abandonned like turnips
too frosted for the pick
limp and confused
sweet sixteen's finished in alleys
voices play through the house
in various shades of white

needles skip and screech
with the sunrise children
a few dogs chew away
at rotting treasures
orchids sway in a lonely park
a few blocks down where we used to play
where you held my cuts and bruises
like mounds of nacre
when my tiny fingers were the playground
for your endless laughter


and now look at us
i've become the spittle on your coffee mug
i am a constant dance between eternal salvation
and the survival of your integrity


Author notes

this was intended for a contest called god-forsaken but looks like i missed it lol

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 17 of 17
  • i love the intensity in here. great stuff.

  • "and now look at us
    i've become the spittle on your coffee mug"

    that's awesome

  • "and now look at us
    i've become the spittle on your coffee mug
    i am a constant dance between eternal salvation
    and the survival of your integrety"

    Shoot! That was pretty effing amazing. One thing, though: you spelled integrity wrong.

  • This is an amazing write.
    Well done.


  • Apsinthion
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    im out of words..
    this is transporting
    i found myself in this whole other random world

    one of the best pieces i'v read recently

    ~rana~

  • I found myself taking a deep breathe after I read it the first time, so I had to go back again.

    This is really good. I liked the imagery, but most of all... NOTHING can replace that stick it to the gut ending... you know? It's what makes poetry, poetry.... honesty and simplicity.

    Thanks for the fantastic read!


  • Tzipora
    June 29
    Edit | Reply
    ahhh beautiful write.


  • whitecoffee
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    I loved this, I love your style. The title is great for this piece, I really have no critique, just want to say I think it's brilliant.


  • Cannonsfire
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    I think perhaps if this had reached the competition you may have indeed blown the judges away. It reads gritty. The only thing I would say is that some of it perhaps needs more of you in the lines..what I mean is the lines of metaphor in some instances I think would have that aha moment if you wrote 'I' more often to cojoin the thoughts...it's what makes the reader feel empathy with you and the words. I know filler words are a bane lol but in some cases I think they make the intended feeling flow better. But needless to say this is intense C


    • vaseline
      June 27
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for the advice! i will try that in my next poem! perhaps i focus a little too much on decription sometimes

  • "my absence of thought echoing
    into the stillborn night"--great part

    "needles skip and screech...."
    That stanza was amazing, good poem you have here


  • DogFish silver member
    June 24
    Edit | Reply
    Forsaken by God?

    ...well, not by the muses!


  • just rob gold member
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    I wish I was good enough to critique this, but I can only clap quietly, and walk away shaking my head, mumbling surreal messages from too deep inside.


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    very nice work



    al


  • onerios13
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    your large hands like hooks
    grip my sandpaper feet
    and you swing me around
    the way we wish hands on the clock could dance

    I loved these lines...well, actually the whole piece was fantastically thought out and executed. I love the ending...the thoughts of regret and sadness yet still lovingly written.

    This again reminds me why you are a prodigy.

  • I really liked this, great imagery..with the edge I like to read in poetry. I will be reading more

1 - 17 of 17