Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

australian brunette

Missing image

 

 

i
she's a natural brunette
with blonde highlights
when the weather flutters
her strands wave in
and curl out at the bottom

 

 

 

ii
in australian heat
granite coloured ripples
slide down and up
suspending time
fourteen metres high

 

 

 

iii
at certain angles
you’d expect to see
the top of an hour glass
domed over the stationary sand


as if you could watch time
run its fingers
through her long, stony hair

 

 

 

 

Author notes

It's a combo of personification and factual content. Hope it's ok that I've done it this way.

image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/10777962@N06/1468011444/

In a list

A contest entry

.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6
  • J Macabre gold member
    July 15

    Edit | Reply
    That is a crazy picture...looks alot like hair. I did a great job of personifying this as the earths hair...how original.


  • Mark Harrap
    July 4

    Edit | Reply

    excellent

    i love other peoples take on nature,i enjoyed and agreed with your comparisons...i do love a sunburt country,lol


  • Aowena
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    Finally! Thank you for writing one of the few pieces on here which I would actually call poetry. People on here tend to use an excess of words and you did not yet still said something. I give you serious props for that. If you want some actual editing tips here they are:

    1. I feel the first stanza would be stronger poetically if you took out the "and"s

    2. Either capitalize the beginning of each stanza or don't. Your only two capital letters are at the beginning of the first stanza and "Australian" so I would either drop those or be capitalize the others. Just be consistent.

    3. Finally, its shouldn't have an apostrophe. I know it doesn't follow the rule but just trust me.

    And that's about it. Hope this helps. Keep writing!


  • CentrifugalCorpse
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    Great take on the prompt.
    I love where you've taken this, actually; I didn't think anyone would use personification.
    Well-penned.
    Thanks for sharing & entering.
    Best of luck!!
    New plague

  • CentrifugalCorpse
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    Here's your prompt:
    Wave Rock (Australia)
    PIC http://www.flickr.com/photos/10777962@N06/1468011444/
    INFO http://www.waverock.com.au/

    Good luck!

1 - 6 of 6