Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Remember Fool

That I can move my body in ways
You have not fashioned
I can run up a wall and do a back flip,
and I was the only kid to jump the twenty foot doubles
on my bmx bike. You can't fuck with me
The same control, and balls out courage that I bend freely with,
and strength, and malleability is the same power -
- the same cunning that I'll use to choke the life out of you.
Keep fucking with me, and I'll go straight ninja
on your ass. You'll wake up one unassuming  night with me
all up in your face like a taco bell midnight snack, savvy motherfucker?
Because I love the night, and I know where to find you in it.

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Barbie
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    I think it would be better if you cut 'Keep fucking with me, and I'll go straight ninja
    on your ass.'.

    Just a thought.


  • Frank N Beevers
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    Oh yeah? Well, I've got sidewalk chalk with 3-D glasses and a full bottle of bubbles. Go ninja on that, motherfucker.


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    The title drew me to click. It had the old "Mr T" allure only I think he said "Pity the fool". But that is what it made me think of initially. Seems that impression fit the body of the poem somewhat.

    I like the conversational quality of the write. It could easily be a portion of dialogue from a moment in time or a script. I especially liked "up in your face like a taco bell midnight run". Not exactly sure why but that just has a vivid feel to it.

    The only thing I couldn't quite get the connection to was the love of night. The "I love hating you part" was an apparant fit in the piece, but it felt like there was some kind of gap between the taco bell midnight run and the love of night.

    But, as you can see, it left with points to ponder so maybe that is a good thing .

    I find myself hoping it will be part of more to come.


  • Bones
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    i love this because it's just raw and you didn't cut anything out, it's just there, whether people like it or not. awesome, and it's got attitude, too.