[ Dear Chad, ]

Dear Chad,

You are the love of my life, no one will ever have anyone like you.. sure shit got rough but I'm going to stick by you for the rest of time... I'm sorry I fucked up.. I'm sorry I didn't follow my heart... I had so many people telling me so many things and I took the wrong way... I didn't want you to die... I wanted you with us... I'd give anything to have you back... if god could take me instead of you I'd rather that .. You  wanted to change the world and save so many lives.. I thought it was foolish and never going to happen... WHat if that shit dose happen now i'll need you to push me so hard cuz i just dont see it... .... i hope i can see you in the next stage....Even with all these people telling me that it wasn't my fault it is... I know it is... or were you going to do it for your dad anyways... were me and ocean just making it harder??? I wish I could go beck and show you more of how much i truly do care... You always said u loved me more..... I love you like no one else has ever felt but it wasn't enough your too strong chad your fucking amazing, I hated the way you drank and said u were going to leave... it hurts when people say that... dosen't it...I did stupid things all the time to get you to sstay like kicking that store window... it wasn't so i could go to jail if you went to... i knew you would come back..... I worried all the time and thought u were off with other girls sometimes but its cuz u said you cheated on everyother girl.. i was scared i was no different then them.... I guess I was wrong,,,I know u did this becuase u thought you would never get to see ocean again... but it was only 200 $ for a plane ticket...U could have done it... why didnt you.... why didnt you just come with me... you wanted to... i said i would go with you wherever u went B.C. nova scotia I didnt care... you wanted to come here so i kept them going i wanted it FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! I could've found a way to make it work in kitchener bymyself but i wanted to be with you.... I miss you baby... i missed you every second  we were fighting every second you weren't there... now its too late... I dont want them to blame me chad... it hurts even more... i know it is my fault but not becuase of why they are saying... its my fault that i didnt show u how much i loved it...... i used to snap on you for things that i felt bad about and i shouldnt have it wasnt you....I dont know why i told you to let me have her that day u were kinda sick.... i knew it was only from moving n shit but i still kept going... man i wish i didn't you are the only reason i am living today... and i am the reason you are gone... wow... that fucking hurts babe om so sorry ... i just wish i chould change everything ...that day over at barry's house is the day i really started not falling out of love with you... but being more scared for ocean and distancing my self from you... but not by choice... i cried that night when you were laying beside me becaause i thought if you really do love me then maybe there would be a chance of you not doing that anymore....Babe just know I will hold on... I promise to love you for the rest of my life and beyond... watch out for us above and take care of your little girl... maybe the care she needed wasn't something you could give her down here... maybe she needs a gaudian angel... maybe she needs extra strength from above... whatever it is just make sure you give it to her... I really hope you understand now why i did the things i did..... i know you would have done things differently if you could see the things you see now... i wrote that message..... a little too late... i wrote that poem... a little too  l ate baby please  stand by me... im sorry.. like i said i would go whever you would go... no im here with our baby and just can't be with you..... i wishi could... i wish it was me n not you... i wish things were different..... I love you TO DEATH... I love you.... i miss you..... don't worry about ocean... shes now my ony reason for living.... my life is for her and her only....I just don't know what to tell her... dont worry She'kk know you're a good man... i just don't know what to say.... what if she finds out... she'll hate me... it willl hurt her so bad thati kept it from her......oh baby why couldn't this be different. I knew it would've been better if iwasn'taround.... why the fuck did i live... i just want to dissapear