That very night when you walked away
Wearing silence that had nothing to say
Every word you said broke me
My tears you didn't see
You enswathed me in fear
Drowning me in pain that I couldn't bear
I know I can't go back in time
But were my mistakes an unforgivable crime?
That very night when you walked away
Wearing silence that had nothing to say
Every word you said broke me
My tears you didn't see
They say I am a free bird
The roses you left me have withered
They say I will forget your name
But I wonder will life ever be the same?
Dreaming in benighted gloom
My fear I cannot consume
I dreamt to be your wife
But in your weakness,you threw me out of your life
You gave me a world of nothingness
Leaving me orphaned and helpless
The pain you gave I cannot undo
But even then I will always love you
That very night when you walked away
Wearing silence that had nothing to say
Every word you said broke me
My tears you didn't see...
22nd "June" 2009
© 2006-2009 Rinzu Susan Rajan
Author notes
INSPIRED BY THE SONG "SWEET SACRIFICE" BY EVANESCENCE...
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[ r i n z u r a j a n ]
A contest entry
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Beatifully penned.... it's got nice rhythm and rhyme...
this stanza depicts angst and love...
You gave me a world of nothingness
Leaving me orphaned and helpless
The pain you gave I cannot undo
But even then I will always love you
It's an awesome...
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Wow
Beautifully sad
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great write, I love how the first stanza repeats at the end. I love that effect. Thank you for entering and good luck
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There is a rythming pattern here and yet some seems forced, as if you ran out of idea's to melt our minds are resorted to party trick puns. If we exclude that and the double space you left between 'know I can't go back in time' then we are left with a rather intrguing poem by an unusual poet. I must admit it is not all to my liking yet it holds this remorse and sinsire taste that I find to my liking.
Good job and best of luck
Goreck -
Thank you for the enetry, I love evanescense!!!
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Wow so this has a good theme. I like the theme, But the flow is a little off, and the rhyme feels forced in spots. Perhaps read it again and revise? =] Good pen though! Keep up the hard work and thank you for entering my contest.
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No.
(Nice poem. Not what Im looking for though.)
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The words spoke thier sadness
The rhyme and flow in lyrics sung sweet sorrow
thank you for such a lovely entry
and best wishes
Julie -
Love the rhyme you have going here.
thank you so much for entering
&&
Good luck. -
I enjoyed your take on this song.
Sad and heartbreaking
i like the rhyme.
thank you for your entry
keep the ink flowing
fire
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I liked the rhyme you have going on here.
thanks for entering& good luck -
The rhyme was pretty good here, although the rhythm seemed forced in places. Overall though I enjoyed this. Thank you for your entry!
--Katie. -
Great job!
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this is amazing and i really loved the last stanza. this is really great. a great write and an excellent job
good luck and thanks for entering -
great write my favorite lines are
"Wearing silence that had nothing to say
Every word you said broke me"
Those lines stood out and were very powerful. I wonder if it was necessary to repeat that one particular stanza three times? is this a song?
Thank you for entering. Good luck. -
Stunning! I love Evanescence & this song; I'm so glad you could be inspired by it. My fav. part:
"You enswathed me in fear
Drowning me in pain that I couldn't bear"
I love your word choice. Thank you for sharing.
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