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Platonic

 

 

 

Finally,
I figured the flaws in flowers
  as I humbly phrased myself
           with their buds.

 

 


  These fingertips
  yearningly fathered some verses,
  hoping they would harvest
           a budding future
       and a past that fits me.

  (Though my words
   distort the floor.)

 

 


As you stumbled rigidly,
   I realized that even petals
      are too platonic
         to paint a dialogue

and my language wilted.

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

leander

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • Kathraina silver member
    October 20

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, the brevity here is absolutely astounding.
    I love your words; amazing imagery and metaphor throughout!
    Brilliant write


    bravo and thank you for entering




    ♥ kate

  • Writing0Freedom
    August 8
    Edit | Reply
    This is stunning!


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    July 21

    Edit | Reply

    22.1 / 25

    Here:

     

    "a budding future
           and a past that fits me." - you use "a" too much in once phrase.

     

    and here:

     

    "are too platonic
             to paint a dialogue" - same goes here, "too, to" those words are rather close together to make any sort of impact upon the reader. Sometimes it helps to drop an article to really push forward your meaning. Also, for "too", you could use rather so it would read like 'are rather platonic to pain a dialogue.' It means the same thing, but it's softer on the reader's ears. Remember, these are just mere suggestions and not meant to take offense.

     

    Overall, you know that I always love your work, so no worries!


  • glazecovered
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    This strongly strikes me as something I would write. Might be the use of "as" and "even" (I'm horrible about overusing it). You carried it out better than I ever could. Great job and thank you for entering.


  • Poetic Tasha Moderators member
    July 6

    Edit | Reply
    never could you, or your language feel wilted to me
    this is beautiful penned with amazing imagery,
    you're an amazing poet lea-bum
    kusjes en dikke knuffel

    Tasha


  • The Poetic Bandits gold member
    June 28

    Edit | Reply

    Bandit Reading List

    Thank you for adding this poem in this weeks reading list - your participation is appreciated


    The Poetic Bandits


  • Dragonbabyx3
    June 26

    Edit | Reply
    Amazing! The imagery you used here, simply astounded me! The image of flowers and language wasting away was overpowering. You did an excellent job on this! Beautiful! Thankyou for sharing!


  • ronnica
    June 26
    Edit | Reply
    You are an interesting poet, I like the deep thought you express. This is a sad beauty.


  • BluesMan gold member
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    This poem speaks to me of a bittersweet reunion with ones astranged muse and the awkward transition of getting re-aquainted once again. Your metaphors were excelent and i very much enjoyed the ponder affect it had on me.

  • judmc
    June 25

    Edit | Reply

    Good Write

    Nice metaphoric imagery in this purposeful poem though Obscurity and brevity triumph over narration
    notwithstanding it's a Good Write


  • Haiku-bless-you silver member
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice integrated imagery and metaphor employed in this work. Good emotional tone and balance. Enjoyed reading and pondering this poem. Write On!

    Brother Dennis

  • goatfish
    June 24

    Edit | Reply

    thumbs up

    The alliteration in this piece was well done with a thought provoking sub tone to the entire write. Thank you for sharing.


  • AppleJuiceMemories gold member
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    "As you stumbled rigidly,
    I realized that even petals
    are too platonic
    to paint a dialogue

    and my language wilted."

    This is probably going to be very famous one day. xD ;D I love this poem , it is very well written.


  • No Quarter
    June 23
    Edit | Reply
    i agree with stef-witt. the last part is the most powerful, my favorite part. brilliant poem.


  • stef-witt gold member
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    The end of this piece is so strong -

    "As you stumbled rigidly,
    I realized that even petals
    are too platonic
    to paint a dialogue

    and my language wilted."

    That's really beautiful.

  • poeticjoy
    June 23
    Edit | Reply
    Awesome.


  • Polaja Greeters member
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    I love the flower imagery all the way through this poem - and I really like the way that you format all of your poetry amazing poetry!


    Polly


  • Mari Goes gold member
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent as always!
    You have used amazing lines (imageries and thoughts) in this poem.
    Your ink does wonder


  • chasingtheday gold member
    June 21

    Edit | Reply
    i like this - especially the ending section with language, who is to say where we will flower or wilt, we can but try and bloom.


  • LadyRay
    June 21

    Edit | Reply

    so deep

    o wow
    You've penned a wonder here no doubt. It's simple yet so complex and mean so much more than what the naked eye can see.

  • Lugh
    June 21
    Edit | Reply
    thank you. wow
    very good.

    let the floor distort


  • Nicolette gold member
    June 21

    Edit | Reply
    aah, you're back with a bang, leander. love this poem... you know i love flowers in poetry, but my, how creative you've applied them here. unlike flowers and petals, your language will never wilt, my friend!

    ~ Nicolette

  • phoennix
    June 20
    Edit | Reply

    oh, wow!

    Incredible imagery! Loved it.


  • his kiss
    June 20
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful


  • Daniela Violin silver member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I love this.
    Beautifully penned, Leander.

    I have a favorite poems list I'll be adding this to if it's okay with you, let me know if it's not and I'll remove it from the list.


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    it has been far too long since i have read any of your beautiful words. this is far more than superb. i am adding you as a favorite so that it won't be so long next time before i am graced with the blessing of reading your words. viyanna rosemarie


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply

    Superb Plus

    Ah, 'tis a fine write, indeed. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us.


  • twelfthknight silver member
    June 20
    Edit | Reply
    very interesting poem, it really made me think, well written

1 - 28 of 28