I
So much depends on
the translucent membrane
of a raindrop
and the antique wisdom
of a storm-cloud.
II
It was evening
this morning, and all day long we knew
the rain would come, dousing
our dreams with soft desires
while we slept, knowing
the storm-cloud is the keeper
of tomorrow.
III
The air mischievously
whispers across the underside
of our eyes, our skin, and
catharsis has arrived.
IV
Within a devilish tempest,
the storm-cloud is a silent moderator.
V
The sky groans in sensational duress,
where rain is a tear in the paper
and a storm-cloud is fog
on the windowpane,
and I in the midst
am a lightning strike
waiting to happen.
VI
Accumulating, copulating,
in beds of slippery condensation
storm-clouds romp with a sensual rhythm, and
pulses beat with the sound in symphonic time.
VII
Storm-cloud matrimony:
two feet stomping in potent perfection,
two hearts vibrating
around the axis of a steel drum.
VIII
I am the mess, and the storm is wet,
clouds quivering under atmospheric pressure
to fall apart, unraveling
the threads of time’s sarcastic waves.
IX
I feel there is
an Indian tribe stretching across the sky,
storm-clouds dancing
a primal rhythm, on the hollow floor
between corners in my sedative mind.
X
We are loud when the storm
is louder, when I am the storm, and
the storm is me and I am the storm-cloud.
XI
Maybe we’ll pull
the storm-cloud apart like
my mother’s old cotton balls,
and we’ll wipe our nails clean,
and we’ll wake with a clean slate.
XII
Dripping with borrowed sorrow
and gentle apologies,
the storm-cloud begs a quiet leave
with the forlorn heart of a gentleman caller.
XIII
The storm-cloud is evening, the
softest time of day.
Author notes
m a d g i r l s l o v e s o n g
Inspired by the poem "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird" by Wallace Stevens: http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/stevens-13ways.html
A contest entry
- My first Contest by TecumsehRoz.
700 points, ended November 6, 2009, 81 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I love how you were able to create all these different perspectives on something so simple. Interesting vocabulary as well and unique imager. I enjoyed reading this piece even if it was a bit long.
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As your AN explains, you were inspired by Wallace Stevens' poem, but I suggest you don't need to credit that in your title. Actually, your title only goes half way towards crediting him, and leaves your subject up in the air (no pun intended). Your poem is good enough to have an independent title.
There are some lovely phrases in the first four stanzas, which seem perfect to me. I particularly like "the antique wisdom of a storm-cloud", "It was evening this morning" and "the storm-cloud is the keeper of tomorrow".
The rest of the poem is pretty good too, and I don't read it (in the way the previous commentator does) as changing focus half way through. Surely the reference in stanza XII to a gentleman caller leaving is just a charming metaphor, not part of a narrative of a sub-plot.
Stanzas X to XIII are beautiful.
My only reservations relate to stanzas V to IX, and simply concern some of the word choices. Reaction to vocabulary is a very personal thing, and I certainly don't claim that your word choices are wrong and my reactions right. However, when I first read "stain", "copulating", "matriculation", "sarcastic" and "sedative", each one of those words jarred with me a little, because of their various overtones (to me) that seemed unrelated to your subject. Others may well totally disagree with me on this. I think I need to put the poem aside and return to it again later, and see whether I experience it the same way. Let the poem speak and say whether it's unhappy with anything.It's a delightful enough poem to invite re-reading.
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Is "Evening Rain" too simple or obvious a title, do you think?
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Your decision. It's not bad as a title. Much of the poem relates to motion and emotion preceding the evening rain, and it's not absolutely clear (nor does it need to be) that the storm clouds actually unloaded all their promised rain, so "Evening Rain Dance" or "Rain Dance" might be alternatives to consider.
Of the five words that I thought jarred, I see you have taken out three. The remaining two now seem fine! Good judgment on your part.
It really is a beautiful polished poem.
You need to restore the line gap between stanzas VI and VII.
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The imagery of this poem is absolutely beautiful. I love part X especially.
♥
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Very thoughtful and impressive. I loved the imaginative use of imagery and metaphor to convey the sensuality and the lust, although I was inintially drawn to your powerful statements about stormy weather. A good use of alliteration throughout your poem made it even more interesting. The fact that you mickeyed me.. changing mid poem and bringing the metaphor into stark reality, made this a very interesting write. As for thirteen ways to leave your lover... apologies rejected... no gentlemen ever leaves a lady, even after a storm... lol
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