Her smile is a faultline
The point where opposing forces collide
Pushing me to the molten core
I will never see her again
You are Ancient Egyptian priests
Selling miracles of steam
Breastplates etched with Hebrew letters
Protect you from static shock
From an holy discharge
The mystery of a capacitor of gilded acacia wood
I drown in nickel and iron
And she rises, grows into a mountain
Where stone becomes Law
Where I become less than a memory
You inventory what you steal from your followers
On shiny sheets of copper
Your sons slay their neighbours
And claim their wives as their own
We scratch our heads centuries later
Over a weapons-grade forge in a monastery
When I am completely vapourised
I shall finally stop loving her.
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Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Hm, somehow, this is the first thing of yours that I have read. How can that be?
This has excellent imagery. I had a little trouble transitioning from one stanza to the next, but I'm probably somewhat dimmer than the average reader!
In the poem, I know who "I" is, I know who "her" is, but who is "you" and "we"? This is where I was left a little lost.
I particularly like the very first line. It accomplished its goal of pulling me in and insisting I explore further!
(Ignore the 'return the favor' button, my stuff is dribble)
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Oh and so it was that the vessel dissapeared and was never heard of again.
When the world will finally be destroyed perhaps we shall find the truth was it was some nuclear device from outerspace.
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when i am completely vapourised
I will finally stop loving her
oh my, you ripped my heart out and left it beating on the floor,this is so very vry beautiful
nicely pennd
T -
Beautiful inscription of words my friends
I drown in nickel and iron
And she rises, grows into a mountain
Where stone becomes Law
Where I become less than a memory
nice lines to saviour
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An interesting write. The language is rich and vibrant. I got a little lost in there somewhere, but good work over all.
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Frankly, I'm confused. Great imagery, and the yearning for the beloved is tangible. But I got lost in the crowd. Me, you, her, they and we. I'll have to come back and read again.
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this is crazy good!
vapourised - is that misspelled on purpose
to antagonize the Spell Chek freaks?
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No, I prefer English spelling to American.
Thanks!
- Giovanni
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OH MY...this is completely captivating,,,, how have i missed you,, you have real talent
thankyou so very much
T
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interesting write. the combination of images shared with the longing for her expressed is very rich.
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Jumpin messiah left to rot in a cave! Damn what a ride of a read! I wish every morning read was half this tantalizing. Your depth of yearning conveyed through a unique onslaught of intense imagery left my mouth agape to the last line which just didn't quite do the body of this amazing write justice. Glad I stumbled across ya, and look forward to reading more.
A
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And surely you’ll follow: scratches on your bare breasts; never wearying of calling my name; and place the last kiss on my frozen lips, when the onyx jar with its Syrian nard is granted me. Then when the fire beneath turns me to ashes, let the little jar receive my shade, and over my poor tomb add in a laurel, to cast a shade on the place where my flame went out, and let there be this couplet:
HE WHO LIES HERE, NOW, BUT COARSE DUST,
ONCE SERVED ONE LOVE, AND ONE ALONE.
---Sextus Propertius -
I drown in nickel and iron And she rises, grows into a mountain Where stone becomes Law Where I become less than a memory
how very tragic this is to read. makes me think of imminent death. in the end i definitely see it coming. thank you for sharing this with me today. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the very near future. viyanna rosemarie
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Good write, I'll give it a 9 out of 10, beautiful imagery
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this has some real moments of brilliant thoughts and concepts. I kinda felt like I was being given a peek inside of something I know nothing about...wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to be taking from it...lol
I drown in nickel and iron
And she rises, grows into a mountain
Where stone becomes Law
Where I become less than a memory
I like these words the best...each stanza seemed to be able to stand on it's own. I think that is always cool. Oh yea, tell us about your picture. Joker?
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Conrad Veidt, silent film actor. From a movie called 'The Man Who Laughs'. He was the inspiration for the Joker, actually.
And thanks for the comment.
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AmAzInG
WOW GIO, cool poem . I like it.good job. -
Pretty good eh? better than me certainly...
...except my physics poems, with the physics poems I'll kick your arse my friend.
I especially like the bit where you write "an" as the indefinite article, before you wrote "holy".
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I liked the beginning a whole lot, but the last line is, frankly, cliche, and steals from the work as a whole.
overall, however, nice work. -
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Honestly, that was my reaction to the last line as well. I've changed it a bit, but I think it's still rather cliche.
Thanks!
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WOW!
this is amazing!
Loved the first and third stanza and the last two lines. it's almost as if stanza 1, stanza 3 and the ending could be a poem and stanza 2 and stanza 4 could be another and yet they fit together wonderfully.
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