It's day number 163 and I can't dip my toes any further into your excuses that flow as a stream beside our bed. You chose to tattoo monsters on your veins, letting death wear the throne of your existence. I can't taste your lips anymore. Maybe it's me; or maybe it's not even you I pretend to know.
I have become a widow yet you are still alive- how can this be? Or maybe I am the dead one walking on broken china; my feet no longer bleed, they just grow calloused. My fists have become shattered as I pound on your shell. Don't you recognize my face as I peer through your soul's window?
Stop blaming me!
As you pierce your side and feed the demons, I will stand in the gap of your transgressions; wiping stains from your brow and kissing the wounds that fade.
Author notes
Prose workshop...first round. This is my first attempt at writing prose, be gentle..lol
A contest entry
- Prewrites by Dragonbabyx3.
800 points, ended July 6, 73 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre Writes Contest By Reptile Lady by Reptile Lady.
1750 points, ended July 13, 136 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Some amazing strong lines you have painted here
and its sad its a little dark but the message is clear
Thank you for sharing and best wishes
Julie -
reason for removal:
Only Poetry will be accepted.
Dear, would you mind entering a poem instead?
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9.8
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9.8
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9.5
I like the ending alot. First time writing prose?? Really??? REALLY??? doesn't show it at all.
"Maybe it's me; or maybe it's not even you I pretend to know." Love. Absolute love. -
9.4
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WOW! This is amazingly well written, for your first prose, I greatly enjoyed it. The emotion you conveyed here, stung deep in the heart of the reader. You did an excellent job on the imagery as well. Good Luck and Thankyou for entering my contest!
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" have become a widow yet you are still alive- how can this be?" I loved the power of that line!
An excellent write with great use of figures of speech that pulled me along and made me feel something deeper than the words on the page. ~
s ~Genie~
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Thanks so much for commenting!
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wow, this is really amazing!
'You chose to tattoo monsters on your veins'
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that's an amazing line, but I think 'onto' instead of on would sound better, maybe? lol feel free to ignore.
anyways, this is brilliant. it has some great imagery.
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Thanks for commenting!!
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-I have become a widow yet you are still alive- how can this be? Or maybe I am the dead one walking on broken china; my feet no longer bleed, they just grow calloused.
...
That's so incredibly penned. I just love how you portrayed certain emotions. Very well written. Thank you for sharing. (: ♥
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Thanks for commenting!!
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in line 2, i think the "that flow" should be pushed up and should fit on the first line --- then the whole prose will shift left.
in the first line of paragraph 2, there's an extra space after "widow", may want to close that extra gap. Same thing with after "be?".
Paragraph 2, line 2: after "one" - there's another gap. after " china;" as well.
The ending: "Wiping" should be "wiping". Also, I'd say take out the period after "brow" and make the 'A' in 'And' to be lowercase 'a'.
Once those edits are accomplished, you have yourself something deep, intense, honest, and totally awesome in my opinion.
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anymore,maybe it's me,or maybe it's not even you I pretend to know. I have become a widow, yet you are still alive,how can this be?
you need spaces after the commas through out these sentences. other than that i see nothing wrong.
"You chose to tattoo monsters on your veins,
letting death wear the throne of your existence."
that is a fantastic line! very well done.
thank you for sharing this with me. i am with you and prose is sort of new to me. i had been doing it, only not knowing it. well done. viyanna rosemarie
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Thanks! I have been having major issues with my computer freezing on me..blah! Thanks so much for your suggestions and comment!!!
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For this being your first attempt, you did an excellent job.
There were some spots with punctuation and spacing problems.
"It's day number 163, and I can't dip my toes any further into your excuses
that flow as a stream beside our bed."
-get rid of the comma after 163. if you put anything, put a dash. well, that's what i'd do anyway
"You chose to tattoo monsters on your veins,
letting death wear the throne of your existence."
-what an amazing image. lots of meaning to this.
"I can't taste your lips anymore,maybe it's me,or maybe it's not even you I pretend to know."
With the way you have phrased it, I'd suggest putting that sentence like this:
"I can't taste your lips anymore. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's not even you I pretend to know."
-or something like that (to break up the ideas. also, to face the spacing and punctuation issue.)
"I have become a widow, yet you are still alive,how can this be?"
-get rid of the comma before "yet". it works without it. i'd put a period or a dash after alive, depending on your intention.
"Or maybe it's me that's dead and walking on broken china, my feet no longer bleed, they just grow calloused."
I like the concept here. I'm nit-picking, but "it's" and "that's" - kind of bothers me. Maybe just rework the phrasing.
"Or maybe I am the dead one, walking on broken china; my feet no longer bleed, they just grow calloused"
-how do you like that suggestion? with both the rework of phrasing and punctuation...?
"My fists have become shattered as I pound on your shell. Don't you recognize my face as I peer through your soul's window?"
-very intense.
"Stop blaming me!"
-i like the theatrical edge this gives. it is blunt, but it reveals the desperation.
"You cast yourself into the ring with the Grim Reaper, I can only stand in the corner and wipe your brow."
-eh, the grim reaper concept is okay, but i understand where you were going with it meaning-wise. i think you could have mustered a strong image however, something more poignant and haunting, something that would really bring the darkness of this write around full circle. Also, I'd put a semi colon instead of a comma.
This is very good. I enjoyed this. It's very deep and pulls at the readers heart-strings. Just work on the punctuation errors and, if possible, enhance the ending.
For what it is, it's very impressive for being a first attempt at prose.
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Hi Tyler! I am finished with my editing, would you mind taking a look if you are not too busy? Thanks so much, Amy
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Absolutely. I'm on it right now.
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Thanks so much, I wasn't too sure on a few areas myself. I'll work on these asap. I appreciate your advice
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