I’m sitting here on the couch, looking out the living room window. I’ve got my mum’s rum in my left hand and my cell phone in the other. Still, no text from you. The night is so very dark and the rain, it falls, so very slow. And I don’t know why I’m so observant of the most trivial things.
You know what I’d be doing right now if you were here? I’d lay on your lap. I’d be a fucking whore because you know that’s how I roll when I’m wasted off my ass.
I sit here alone tonight, however.
And ironically, I want to cry my eyes out - like a freaking dam full of leeches, not water. As if all of the blood would come surging out because of all the pain I’ve felt, all of the pain that has sucked the life out of me.
Maybe I’m sober enough - in this moment - to see that I’m not in the living room, but in the bathroom. And it is no window I am looking at, but simply
the mirror.
But why, why is it still raining in here?
Author notes
summer prose workshop.
round 1.
A contest entry
- poets anonymous;; auditions. (prewrites) by etoile.
1175 points, ended August 18, 45 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For My Favorites by Age of Rain.
402 points, ended October 20, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
sometimes i'm a super-emo.
Comments
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Emotively expressive. Not the most poetic of your pieces, but certainly one that evokes powerful response from its reader.
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A beautiful expression of pain. I am understanding how it can rain in the bathroom. This deftones is making it clearer than those years ago would've. I have a deep connection to the rain because of how i used to cry with a complicated reason that not even the gravity could figure out. OK now thank goodness...lol. Being a whore is usually something a person doesn't talk about, so I doubt that you were being a whore. You just needed someone to make you feel. A person like you should be feeling wanted 'cause I love to read and you got the synapses sparking.
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yes
the bit about the leeches and the last line is incredble
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yesyes
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poets anonymous:
yes. -
poets anonymous: yesyesyesyes.
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Originality – 10/10
Cohesion - 10/10
Imagery/Metaphor – 9/10
Flow/Structure – 10/10
Diction/Verbiage - 4/5
Grammar/Spelling- 5/5
Rules Followed - 5/5
Emotion – 5/5
Syntax – 5/5
Title – 5/5
Reaction – 5/5
Overall Opinion – 5/5
And your score is: -438.23
But in reality it’s 78/80
“it falls, so very slow” – no comma necessary
“that’s how I roll” – I can imagine you – and other people too – saying something like “wasted off my ass,” but the “that’s how I roll” seems almost comical in contrast with the gravity of the piece. That kind of weakened the effect this had on me, at least in the beginning before the anger and desperation really picked up. Although it’s a simple write that a lot of people can relate to, it’s powerful. And, of course, I like how you kept this real—not dramatic, overblown, or full of the usual wrist-slitting emo rage I’ve come to expect from AP members.
Loved the leeches bit, too. And if you wrote this while sodded, you are king of coherence while sodded. You should be crowned. -
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lmao
and you're right about that comma. i was going for a slight breath pause. however i see that it is technically incorrect. ah well.
"that's how i roll" - i don't see what is comical about that, but i mean honestly i talk like that all of the time even in serious moments. i guess it depends on where you come from, which would explain why you perceived it that way...and i understand.
and though i was tipsy, i don't really know how i managed to write this. i'm really focused when i'm tipsy though; calm, focused, and outgoing.
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True... I just don't hear it in conversation unless mates and I are joking around and are pretending to be wannabe gangsters or something, so personally it sounded strange and almost comical. Almost. Isn't that a lyric of a song, too?
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haha - well, i do live in deltona, which is like a microcosm of puerto rico, so i guess i may pick up on "gangster" slang.
i don't really know where i get it from, but that's just me for yeh. 
it's quite possible that it's a lyric, but if it is...i have no idea what song it'd be from?
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this was really good for being drunk. for suuuure
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Thanks :]
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i've read this before...but i related & it hurt like hell.
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Just wow. I was captivated Kind of excited about reading more of your work!
Ah, I always envy people who can write reality raw 
Thank you for your comment on my poem
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"like a freaking dam full of leeches"
That line was just a KAPOW. Not even sure how to describe it. But it was perfectly placed to have full effect.
I also loved the ending. It was totally unexpected -
I fucks wit it.
A great title.
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9.9
This reminds me of what I believe to be also a drunk soliloquy from Who's afraid of Virginia Wolfe? And I thought it was brilliant, so it is only fair to say, I rather like this. -
9.8
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10
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9.6
>_> i love this. and i would hide your score but i have to send the message to you anyway..... damn. lol
"I want to cry my eyes out - like a freaking dam full of leeches, not water. " that's a disturbing image, but an effective one. every line screams "effective" and the ending was amazing.
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I loved the depth of this write, you did a great job sequencing images so that they could (and did) play off from one another. My favorite:
"And ironically, I want to cry my eyes out - like a freaking dam full of leeches, not water. As if all of the blood would come surging out because of all the pain I’ve felt, all of the pain that has sucked the life out of me."
I know that I have cried so hard and so long that my eyes felt as if the riverbed had gone dry and all that remained were leeches sucking the blood from my eyeballs... I couldn't cry another drop of blood, let alone a tear.
Amazing write!
s ~Genie~
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Thanks! And ugh, I hate crying that hard -- it's like, you're crying so hard, that it hurts. =/
I'm glad you liked this.
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-I’m sitting here on the couch, looking out the living room window. I’ve got my mum’s rum in my left hand and my cell phone in the other. Still, no text from you. The night is so very dark and the rain, it falls, so very slow. And I don’t know why I’m so observant of the most trivial things.
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Damn. Wow. hahah, that's uhm seriously pretty much the same boat I was in like a night or so ago? I lovelovelove how you wrote that. And I hate waiting for phone calls or text messages. You really penned that feeling well.
-Maybe I’m sober enough - in this moment - to see that I’m not in the living room, but in the bathroom. And it is no window I am looking at, but simply
the mirror.
But why, why is it still raining in here?
...
I absolutely LOVE that. WOW. Such a striking image, and a heartbreaking moment.
Beautiful write♥
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Thanks hun.
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This is great! especially loved the ending! It packs a punch and achieves a dramatic effect. Very well done!
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Thanks Amy.
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I love it!
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I love you.
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I love this. a lot
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Hey, long time no talk! Thanks.
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I’m sitting here on the couch, looking out the living room window. I’ve got my mum’s rum in my left hand and my cell phone in the other.
i think i would have combined those two into one sentence but you are the pro.
And it is no window I am looking at, but simply
the mirror. But why, why is it still raining in here?
that is fantastically written!!! you gave me chills. so very well done and exactly why i added you to my favorites. perhaps, making you a role model will help me in my writing by the end of summer. viyanna rosemarie
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Thanks! And I will do my best to help you, and everyone else here. And hopefully I'll get some help too! lol There's always room for improvement.
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holy crapoly, the ending gave me shivers. I love it.
I'm a bit of a whore too when I'm wasted, so I know what you mean there haha. the imagery is amazing as well and the way you wrote this is so captivating.
'like a freaking dam full of leeches, not water'
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I love that line. it's brilliant.
great write
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Thanks!
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