The raven night descended upon me like a deep blanket of stars, bleaching away the sun, the sky, and your face with a single shade of black. Somewhere beyond the pounding of my own ears I heard your canary-voice ask if I was alright, but a cold tide left me quivering and silent.
Things happen as they must. Like a leaf in October falls as planned, I trembled and fell into the crevasses of mind. God moves of his own accord; my eyes had pooled into cloudy pearls until I saw no more. And then your voice-- I keep living the same moment over-- your voice like a songbird in despair and I felt for your face and brought you close to me. I could feel your fear, but took your hand and moved it to my eyelids and closed them. When you kissed me that day, I felt it was the first time in my life: that I had spent years as your husband without feeling the life move inside you, without smelling the alpine in your skin. Your light pervades all. In the burning darkness, you are the morning sun on my neck.
Under my pearled eyes and weathered skin I felt a new presence growing. I let the onyx settle into the folds of my face. And though I must grope in darkness for the rest of life, your golden aura deepens like a halo around me, and the endless night becomes a few shades lighter.
clouded eyes
brought darkness
empty in God.
your songbird voice
kissed my onyx breath,
your halo deepened
into my skin,
brought new life
and light.
Author notes
pearl eyes- cataracts
about 248 words (i forget the exact number)/ 25 words
A contest entry
- workshop your way into brevity. by chloris.
3100 points, ended July 28, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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The prose bit was brilliant. I'd love to pick out my favorite parts yet I'd honestly be copying and pasting the entire thing basically.
And I like that you included a free verse bit. I think it's totally rad when writers blend two formats and pull it off successfully.
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your halo deepened
into my skin,>>>
your halo deepened
my skin,???
any of those work really. honestly, this has been the best piece of writing i have read in weeks... that includes the short stories from my text books, i am being very honest. you have moved me. you simplicity has an allegory of its own. i am so impressed. thank you. -
beautiful.
i really felt this.
God moves of his own accord...
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Nice
A very tender, touching observation! Howard
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AWW I like your story! Nice details! ^_^
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that's nice
rolls well
the glow of a shared night -
- smoother transaction to omit the extra "and" in the first sentence
-but the tide had washed over my world - reads almost melodramatic
-the second portion was very strong with minor moments of complaint
as well as the ending which i really liked
esp: "I let the onyx settle into the folds of my face"
- already applauded -
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muchas gracias! i shall fix
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