god never gave me reason to doubt after i was ten.

god never gave me reason to doubt.

breathing, perspiring, bleeding. surrounded by luke-warm water slowly possessing a red tint. a silly little reminder i did do something right the last thirty days. face down in palms i sob. afraid the gods will absorb me, too, into the atmosphere around me.

i’m not worthy.
i am not worthy.


forget. you never let me forget and i eventually stopped trying. even when you were away, wednesdays were our night, you made sure that tradition stayed alive. and reminded me of every little mistake i ever made. and laughed with a threatening chuckle. but you never would swallow the horse pill you forced down my fucking throat. time and time again. that wasn't as funny to you as my shame.

but i can’t get too mad at you, sweetheart. i was a hypocrite too. and you were the one who told me so. remember?


every prophetic lie you spat out, i believed, it was easier not to argue with you. i just wanted you to stop yelling. and you didn’t know how to be as soft spoken as me. but that was okay, i took you as you were. because i despised the way you tried to mold me into something i would never be. and i didn’t want you to be angry. because that means more memories i have to endure
and more yelling i have to hear
and more tears i have to shed
and more sores on my body
and more restless nights and dull days.

it was easier not to argue. i was always wasting my breath. actually, i was wasting my life on you. something that would/could never be. but you made me believe over and over that this was it. you were the one/different than any other guy, but yet and still, you proved yourself wrong. not i, i did no such thing. i kept quiet, because it was easier not to argue; all i was doing was wasting my breath, my life. you came to those conclusions and accusations yourself. i did not ruin it, and the more you try and make me believe the more i want to hurt you, but i can’t because you’re not here, you left. you left me here alone. the one thing i told you i was afraid of! i could deal with insects and the dark, but being alone was my biggest fear. you don’t remember forever and ever amen do you? well i do, and always will.

but this isn’t about me, is it? it never was and never will be,

ever.










breathing, perspiring, bleeding. surrounded by luke-warm water slowly possessing a red tint. a silly little reminder i did do something right the last thirty days. face down in palms i sob. afraid the gods will absorb me, too, into the atmosphere around me.

i’m not worthy.
i am not worthy.