by Gregg Rowe
If I were to set sail today
Leaving you behind on the Shores of Norway
I would always remember our country of barley and hay
I, to you, really want to say
Although I may travel far away
I will always think of our friendship everyday
Like an invisible powerful ray
Cast by the moonlight upon the bay
A lone ship in the water she lays
Tomorrow she sets sail on her way
Glancing back at the shore to myself, I say
'One day I will return, perhaps in May'
Standing on her bow, I glance your way
Standing on the dock, you slowly wave
Reminding me of a Prince in a romantic play
That my mother had read to me one day.
Author notes
Written October 10th, 1994
In a list
A contest entry
- Nostalgia (again) by squiddle999.
300 points, ended December 28, 2004, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
A good rhyme and rhythm that isn't forced. Gr8 imagary. Thanks for entering
~Alex~ -
Thank you Gregg for your entry, Good luck~Joan
-
Thankyou for entering our contest. Good luck.
Regards and best wishes, Hugh Wyles. -
Thank you Liz...I,m having one of those days where I fluctuate between crawling in bed and trying to do something useful so just writing my heart out and will get back to reading when I can concentrate and not hearing this godddamn buzzing in my ears!
-
how did i miss one with norway in the title???
must have been "one of those days"
norway is my motherland
haven't been back since my mother died in '89
wonder if i'll ever return
a lovely poem gregg...
you know i hold your writing in high regard
~liz -
It was interesting to me that 'Norway'appeated in your title. A previous poem has a Nordic reference too which I hadn't seen in the contest before.
I'm guilty of repetiton here in saying that this poem does indeed have a 'classic' feel to it and was enjoyable to read. the final stanza completes the poem brilliantly. thank you for your entry.
~Von~ -
This was beautiful. It remind me of a classic poem that I read once. I don't remember the name. I love the imagery. I felt like I was on the bough of the ship looking at the shore. Great Write.
-
Sounds somewhat like a classic. I enjoyed reading, however I did not like the rhymes. I did feel that they felt forced for the sake of rhyme and to me it shouldn't have to sound forced. I think you did a great job though, and welcome to the site.
-
This is amazing. I love the picture. Oh I want to go on and on about how beautiful you can write. This is amazing. Ohhhhhhhhhh I love it.Again I have never been out of Texas but I dream of going places like you described here.
Haley -
Ay, I like the rhyming used. Great imagery and background story add to the overall feel of this. It is interesting, and I don't think I've read too many poems with 'the end-rhyme with one sound throughout'.
Thank you for entering this
-
this is very nice...lovely imagery..i do agree with Lakota about the rhyming scheme..i am familiar with negative and positive forced rhyme to which you refer and i'm not sure it fits in the catagory of positive forced rhyme for me...however..it does hold a nice story and is interesting to read..all in all i think yyou did a very good job!..good luck in the contest ..hugs...leanne xx
-
I think you did a great rhyming job on this poem as well as writing. You paint a very vivid picture with your words. I guess you would have to say I am a fan of the rhyme since I do most of mine this way. Nice job!
Irene
-
You are absolutely write about that foot note in the begining of the poem, it deters from the real meaning so I am going to delete it and put it in this message ffor those who read messages after poems, and for those that don't, well, they wont miss any important news...thanks for the critique.
The footnote at the beginning of the poem read:
An exercise in making the end-rhyme with one sound throughout -- rhyming scheme .
Edited on Mar 19, 8:14 because ''. -
I almost wished i hadn't been given the explanation of your attempt before the poem...it caused me to focus more on the end line rhyme rather than the piece itself. Although, i would have liked the information at the end of the piece in order to understand what you were going for with the rhyme.
I enjoyed the images you presented in this piece. It did have an old world feel and i could envision the man upon the dock...and that last wave. Very nicely done!
UB
-
Mark:
Good to see you up at 6:00 my time and critiquing, guess I am not the only one that can think sharply so early in the morning. Brevity in a poem should not be a worry when you are writing, you write until you have nothing more to say, I don't care if it is an Ezra Pound Haiku or Browning's Aurora Liegh, both poets had something to say: one used brevity as a tool, while the other was a wind-bag...lol just joking Aurora Liegh is one of the best 1100-line poem written by a feminist long before her time.
Edited on Mar 19, 7:30 because 'spelling (as usual), why don't they put the spell check up here for messages also'. -
Thanks for stopping by Lakota and critiquing my poem, and yes, I realize that a few times the rhyming scheme in my poem is forced, it is what the poets of the older days titled 'forced' rhyme in order to achieve the cadence, rhythm and meter in most of the poems that they wrote under strict constructional rules like the Sonnet, Ballad, Sestina, etc. In order to achieve a rhyme scheme of this magnitude, I had to follow samples from some of the old poets. I hope, though, that it did not deter you from enjoying the poem as a whole though.
-
I like the imagery and the thoughts that went with the poem at times the rhyme did seem a little forced. But there again I am no rhyme queen!
Good luck
Lakota x -
Not only do all the lines rhyme but you told quite a story in only 16! That's something I have a lot of trouble with. You may recall from Don't Get Me Started that brevity is not my strong point. haha
Thanks,
Mark
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
2 old applause
