~by Gregg Rowe~
Guess what happened
when I arrived home to my plush apartment
on the 16th floor
swimming pool in the basement
sauna room, weight lifting
costs me $1,000 a month
for him to live there
doing two jobs
maïtre d'hotel in the evening
construction during the day
screwed up world i live in
dealing with straights on hot summer afternoons
passing off as one of them
queen bitch flamboyant at night
there was another person
covering my heated waterbed
swimming on my satin sheets
half nude and smiling
inviting me over as if i wanted
to fuck a flaming hairdresser
my butch lover with the pecks
of Arnold S was lubricating his dick
with a silly grin on his face
'Guess what!' he seethes to me
you turned twenty-three yesterday
so you are way too old for me'
like an old cow put out to pasture
i thought to myself
i looked at the flaming hairdresser
noticed the wrinkles
under the Cover Girl Foundation
started to laugh like Bette Davis
then with a turn on my heels
i marched to the living room
with a sweep of my hand
off the fireplace shelf
crystal crashed onto the marble tiles
my anniversary gift to him last year
cost me a arm and a leg for the complete set
i watched as the design of the seagulls
flying above the sailboat
crashed upon one another
as the liquid from the decanters
of grand Mainer and amaretto
created a blood wave
on the shattered cubed crystals
seeped between the marbled-tiled cracks
merged with my dried blood
from the night of my birthday
I silently cried
standing there reliving that night
when he was so drunk
after I arrived home from work
wanting to have sex
I said NO!
a slap on the head
a punch in the face
his Arnold S body crashed onto mine
wind sucked out of my stomach
hit the marble tiles
blood seeps between the cracks
i see stars
float on the air
look down
my body lifeless as he rises up
goes to the kitchen and picks up the knife
i watch
he approaches my body
tosses it on the couch
stomach down
grabs my long black hair
yanks it up
slides the steel blade
to kiss my Adam's apple
with his free hand
starts ripping cloth
I do not feel anything
i see it all
the knife lies next to the couch
as the muscled body pumps
seconds minutes hours
at this point it does not matter
how long it lasts
the point of pain
was the moment of entry
the moment of entry
was life altering
the proverbial drunk climax was obtained
he withdrew
a slow withdrawal
i saw the blood
the sperm
the nine-inch dick slowly go soft
still i wanted to live
i re-entered
passed out
I have no place to go
but I pack my suitcase
throw in my work clothes
construction boots and Das Boots sneakers
tuxedos and plaid shirts
I pick up a crystal piece
slit my wrist
just enough to draw a river of blood
walk back into the bedroom one last time
spit on the bitch of a hairdresser
let my blood drip onto the satin sheets
of my heated waterbed
i will not sleep in a sperm infected bed
i am okay
but i am not okay
Author notes
"Love me when I least deserve it for it's when I need it the most"...
My therapist thought I should try and write about the experience that night of one of the rapes that occurred in my life. Here is the first draft. My lover was an entertainer in the gay bars back in the 1980s. He would sing, accompanied by a pianist, and the audience loved him, I loved him. Yet, I would be subjected to his infidelities, young men could not resist him, and at one point I had said no, I will not make love to him anymore. I believe that this rape was the transmission of HIV because I began to have symptoms around this time and it was not followed up until three years later when I collapsed at work. The symptoms were what was being used at that time for a diagnosis: night sweats, swollen lymph nodes, persistent cough, headaches, fever, and change in appetite. Tonight was the first time I have opened this up and it is from the top of my head (except the opening paragraph was penned in 1987 -- the rest of the poem was completed tonight)...so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Written April 5th, 1987
In a list
- HIV and AIDS • next in list
- Pathetic Love Poems • next in list
- Gregg's Silver Cups • next in list
- The Honorables • next in list
A contest entry
- Lost Hope by .
300 points, ended March 3, 2006, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Abuse: Any Topic Related, Stories or Poems, Enter!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
450 points, ended November 25, 2006, 59 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - If I don't get some entries im closing this contest. Ill give it 2 or 5 days. by DogTagz-TheJalapeno.
310 points, ended March 15, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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I absolutely love this poem, and it holds alot of anger which is a feeling that I enjoy most. I think that it takes alot of courage to post such a write, so I wouldn't change a thing nor give any suggestions. It is difficult in this life to get men to open up about experiences such as this one, and with more people in the world like yourself, the more I believe that people will come forward with their stories. You are a true inspiration. Good luck in the contest.
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I wish they would find a cure for this it has been way too long!! Much love to you what a heartfelt write sweetone Hugs and love.
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omg wow.....I am so sorry this happened to you.This is a reallly good and graphic peice of work. Thank you so much for sharing this with me
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This is a different write and i'm glad you entered it... So others can see guys do get raped as well. My mate Pete was raped by woman and he just wont drink anymore in fear he wont be able to control situations. I think you have done really well here opening up to us about this. Keep it up, it really will help... We need to release what's inside sometimes.
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My Dr also told me to write, get it off my mind, I did and it kinda worked, hope your doing alright, hugs....
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I am so sorry that you had to go through this ordeal... You have my deepest sympathies... Thankyou for entering this... It is a very emotional, descriptive piece of writing with which you have done a great job with... I commend you on being able to write about your expreience after so long... Well done
Good luck in the contest...
Take care...
~Ash~ -
I could feel your pain and heartbreak as I read this, Gregg. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you, though...in reality.
Your story is an opening of old wounds, perhaps healed by now so the scar tissue offers some cushioning of the remembrance of that fateful night.
I agree with your therapist... writing, letting out what's bothering us, the hurt, the emotions, the remains left dormant for some time, yet still lingering within, slowly and subtly eating away at us....to put them to rest by spitting them out... such relief...
I have some poems like this, finally putting into words, allowing them to express the things which left me with sorrow and pain....
An excellent write, Gregg.
's love and blessings
Dee
Edited on Dec 01, 4:30 p.m. because ''. -
I am Over joyed with this poem, for someone to write their experience down and give you detail for detail is a work of art, I am so sorry you had to endure such pain, But besides the Illness it has made you an excellent writer, ( you might have been before) i also know what AIDS can do I lost a nephew to it he was 5 or 6 years old. so I feel your pain and I applaud your work , thank you so much
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This is so very wonderful.
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I am lucky. I am not HIV nor my partner. We have been together long time now.Many years. I count every day good. Your poem, so tragic. I understand such pain but physical only from strangers not lover. I cannot start to offer any but hope some of nightmare fade some day.
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Wow! i really appreciate you comment on this and your metaphor at the end. Amazing. Thank you for letting me enter it in your contest. Gregg
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Well, I wanted intensity, and lord and lady knows I got it...in spades!
This was as raw as fresh skinned flesh, burning like gasoline and matches, and as real as anything only fucking life can dish out. This drilled into my brain like warped rivets and sandblasted my nice safe little nest into smithereens...lol. Excellent depiction of the horrid, and an exquisite balance of victim and narrator, I thought this stung harder than lemonade on an oozing cut. Bravo!
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Gregg, you never cease to amaze me with your work...congrats on the silver! I'm sorry you had to endure this painful ordeal - what a bastard. The lack of form or structure really makes this piece pop - I wouldn't change a single word of it. It's excellent just the way it is. I could see you laying there (is it laying or lying - proper grammar is maybe one of my so-so points), eyes closed, unable to fight him off.
I'm sorry.
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Cookie: I would like to thank you for your comments on my poem and the Silver trophy. A very personal journey for me as you read but I have to confess that my dreams at night and the horrors of my life forced me to revisit parts of my past so I could become a healthier man while living with a chronic illness. I have had a good pychotherapist for the past three years who has done wonderous work with me and am more happier today knowing what happened than what I was living before. Gregg
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aaggghhhhh... thanks for shaing that. i couldnt breathe at some points. it must be painful. i cant imagine the ordeal......in fact i can, you discribed it so well. i could picture me as you, and i was so frightened, and as were you, it was the window in to the mind that i was so desperately searching for. i cant beleive you would want to dig for this. i guess, that i couldnt, i am not a strong person, if some thing happens, i sink it deep and hope for it to rot, thanks, thanks for entering
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This is as raw as it can be. It isn't that hard to believe that this is difficult to expose to people, as this a painful part of your life.
Thank you for enetering, and take care.
Sincerely, Vanessa -
I applaud you for this outlet of raw hurt and emotion. I did have to wipe a tear away to write this comment. You have shown another piece attaining great talent, Gregg. I'm so sorry this happened, but i'm glad you have stayed strong and could produce a beautiful write like this, expressing all your deepest memories and feelings. Intense and so sad, but have true courage to write about it and share it with us here. Thankyou for that. Take care, all my love, Kate
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This is a very nice piece of work. I like how it comes off as very from the heart. I kinda like the poems that go off course a little...that lack structure in some places. It means it was really from deep inside. So sorry that you had to endure something so horrible...but it did make for a beautiful piece of writing! Keep up the great work! Writing is the best therapy EVER!
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So all in all it was a pretty good day then! At least you got your work clothes. I jest. It is an awesome poem. Very well done.
especially my Das boots and that lumber shirt ohh boy, what a killer shirt that was ! 
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So all in all it was a pretty good day then! At least you got your work clothes. I jest. It is an awesome poem. Very well done.
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wow that is sure an incrediable write up.
wow pwerful and very passionate.
exactly the kind of poem i am looking for!!!
i love it
thanx fer entering my contest and good luck
toodles
XxXxDannyxXxX -
i dont think you could change a work from the heart .this is dramatic kick you in the stomach,raw real ,rough and life .your life.you amaze me i feel like an ameture trying to catch up. what can i say???? clap !clap ! clap!
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everytime i read one of your poems, i end up wiping a tear from my cheek...you write with so much emotion and so much honesty and everything and i so admire you...i can just imagine what you are going through right now and it makes my so-called problems of life seem so little...you are so brave and talented and even though i've been thru rape and abuse myself, i never had to deal with the aftermath that you do..so for that and for this poem...i applaud you
always
kay
(one of your biggest fans) -
a powerful peace Gregg...I expected nothing less from you...from the inner sanctums of your soul to the cleansing thoughts and forgiving eyes of your readers...we understand...freda
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Wow. This is a great write. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to write about, or even describe in words, what had happened, but I'm sure any visitor to this site is glad that you did. Thank you, and a great write, you are very talented.
A. M. Adrian -
I stand in Awe of your courage. The choice to live is hard to make and harder still when you are comprimised. Man I admire you. The poem was awesome, fast paced, kept me at the edge of my seat wanting to cry "stop." I don't think you need to change a word. You are a very talented writer.
~Bezoar -
hugsyou made me cry too.the imagery was intense.it seemed like i was there witnessing this.things like this,though most would try to forget it,make us stronger somehow.i see that in you.
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Gregg you just ooooooooze with talent
I love the write . You did an awesome job yet again here.
Sometime I feel like the old cow thats out to pasture. lol
FifthDove -
wonderfully writen and great
so wonderfull. I love it. Filled with so much feeling, hatred! I love it love it love it. Really great write. Keep it up..
Heather.. -
I love reading your poetry because it is so real, but at the same time it depresses me to no end and I get upset to think of all the people I can't help or cure in this world.
I'm glad you can write about this, I know it takes a long time to be able to let it out of our system. Up to a few years ago, I couldn't ever write about any of my experiences, until someone opened my eyes and made me realize I am not dirty, that I am ok and I can voice it without being told I was at fault.
Bravo for you.
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