Ripples outward spread from such a casual loving touch
to souls once dominated by a broken-hearted trust.
“If only it were me,” I thought, “who’d had that better life;
If only it were me who bought the blindness to world’s strife.”
It’s only for the sheep of us to follow in the crowd,
It’s only for the brave of us to sing life-words aloud.
The many times that I’ve been brave seem taken by my tears
when all alone I crumble apart, overcome by fears.
The timeless touch I’ve spread myself’s remoted from my mind,
forgotten when I’m in a pit and feeling left behind.
Then when a glance or helping hand is offered in my day,
when just a smile or kindly voice helps guide me on my way,
I am reset, my pain upset; rejoined humanity.
Reminded once again I am that “it’s not only me.”
So many times I’ve shared my heart and strength and even gold,
with not a thought to if I’ve bought support for growing old,
that when the circle comes back ‘round and I’m recipient
I am surprised such gifts came back and know they're Heaven sent.
Through angels’ whisp’ring wings I feel the breath of God’s moist voice,
know that in part my heart restarts from thoughts that are my choice.
Dawn shines again upon my pains, and though not oft removed,
it seems my situation now has once again improved.
So many kinds of bravery combine to build our nest,
what made me think that my own kind’s what made me of the best?
With fondness for "the other kind," my pity’s then undone.
Head pillowed on soft, warming wool, rememb’ring: “All are one.”
Author notes
Contest prompt: the poem “The Park Bench”, author unknown.
Written loosely in common (ballad) meter. I would very much appreciate assistance with refining this piece, especially as regards the meter/rhythm and clarity of communicating the message of this piece.
2009 June 16
In a list
A contest entry
- Author Unknown-The Park Bench by BluesMan.
10000 points, ended August 5, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
All polite and critical commentary welcome and encouraged.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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This beautifull poem is so full of wisdom and positive moral values and self realization of gratitude for simply life itself. By the time I finished reading I had to dry my eyes. Thank you for entering my contest Misha.
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Namaste', BluesMan, and thanks.
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i loved the poem, mishabear. feedback to improve....remove any extraneous words that seem to complicate the rhythm....
for example the 'a's in the first two lines, the 'the' in the fourth....read through it and see where some of the little words perhaps aren't necessary. -
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Thanks, We! In this case, I am trying to write in common ballad meter, which means iambic meter (one unstressed followed by one stressed syllable) for a total of 14 syllables per line. I find I end up having to add in what I normally consider unnecessary buffer words (and, the, if, then, thus, but, etc.) to make the meter work correctly. In addition, in this piece I am intentionally using more colloquial language, so such buffer words are in some ways and places necessary to make it sound more close to ordinary speech. My hope is that over time my skill at meter will improve such that I can use more meaningful words so that I can get usage from every word!
Thank you for the read, feedback, and insightful, helpful, constructive comments.
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It’s only for the sheep of us to follow in the crowd,
- aye to this - never follow the herd, just wander your own path and seek adventure. i like that too with god's moist voice, not a word - moist - i would normall put with god, but you make it work here. a good poem.
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Thanks for the read and the feedback. I wasn't sure about "moist" there, and did question it. As it did seem to work, I kept it in.
Thanks for stopping by.
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There are so many golden treasures in this piece, it is hard to mention all. Soft lilting combines with lovely end line rhyme and internal rhyme to create this lyrical ballad. Very nice. I love the long lines here. ~Pamela
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Thank you very much, Pamela. I appreciate the detail you pointed out. Such feedback helps me become a better poet.
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Oh, this is awesome and so well fitting to the prompt, a wonderful, deep, enduring poem.
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Thank you very much.
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This is an enjoyable lilting piece with a valuable and personal message. Taking our own experiences and being able to broaden understanding to larger life is what its about
Nicely done
K
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K, thank you very much! I had a lot of fun writing this piece, and plan to continue to refine it.
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Such a spiritual and inspiring write, I so enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest, hugs Theresa
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Thank you very much.
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"Ripples outward spread from such a casual loving touch to souls once dominated by a broken-hearted trust." nice beginning. I don't like rhyme often but, when it carries a message I most certainly do, this does. I don't care for the wordiness but, that subjective. "It’s only for the sheep of us to follow in the crowd, It’s only for the brave of us to sing life-words aloud." well done.
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Thank you kindly.
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