it's official
i have fallen in two and i'm flipping coins to see which part of me falls first;
me or my heart. it's come to my attention that in this game neither of us
wins. and if you're like me, your blinded by beautiful kaleidascope images
of perfection screaming that you will never be it.
you're far from what anyone wants.
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i've pulled out all the shorter end of the deals it seems. and they all
prove i'm wreck with you but i'm not better off being alone. again
i lose. we spoke words that floated into the heavens as if they were
glittered and watched them crash into beautiful meteor showers. and
i realized that like stars, we must burn out too.
all we're good for is to crash and burn.
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i have lyricless melodies trapped beneath my fingernails and they all
tell me that you love me. but even calypsos lie, it's what they do. i
want to believe but it all sounds like the sugar-coated lies my ears
are so comfortable hearing. the songs are ending, it's now are never
do you promise to leave me now, or love me never?
Author notes
d a n i - e l l e
A contest entry
- abecedarian workshop; auditions. (PREWRITES) by dieu..
450 points, ended July 11, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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wow... the whole star thing with crash and burn.. brilliant... you include the stars alot... but they work in everything for so many things. Excellent write:]
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ugh i know... the stars are usually clouded in my mind because i just love the sky.
i'm starting to sound like everyone else now.. must get new material lol
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Aaah this is beautiful. I wouldn't change punctuation/capitalization, I rather like the effect of the entire poem being in lowercase. A beautiful, emotional piece of prose with wonderful imagery. Well penned.
~HH
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The only thing I would say to change is just puncuation and capitalization of the beginning of sentences also your I's. when writing a poem it does just slow down the thought process I find but when you want someone to read your poem it is essential that it is easy to read. You want people to be able to read thru the poem with ease and only make them pause where they should such as commas. When I read this I stopped for a minute and saw that nowhere in your poem is anything capitalized and it threw the meaning off for me so I had to re-read it.
Also you should consider capitalizing the title, titles are supposed to be.
Attention to detail is important.
Overall I would say this is a very nice poem I loved the imagery in the beginning with the flipping coins thing. The meteor showers imagery was stark.
Ok now the changes I would make are at the beginning line besides capitalizing the first letter put a comma after when reading again a comma shows when a pause is needed and it takes the reader time to transition to the next line with their eyes to read. And the fact that "It's offical" is on a seperate line shows emphasis also.
In the line "all were good for is to crash and burn." For starteres capitalize but also to should be too and with were a ' is needed.
I'm sorry if you get mad at me for my comments my goal was to make it even that much greater of a poem and I am kindof OCD at times about stuff.
I hope you are able to make it even greater of a write.
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yes for sure
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yes!
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yes.
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Beautifully written, as always.
i have fallen in two and i'm flipping coins to see which part of me falls first;
me or my heart.
- simply an amazing way to start the poem.
Couple of typos:
and if your like me, ----> you're
your blinded by beautiful kaleidascope images ----> you're, kaleidoscope
prove a i'm wreck ----> unnecessary a?
Best of luck in the contest.
♥
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