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Correct me, please




sitting here,
liquid paper running dry
and our memories of our passions
run as equally dry

left pondering on your stump,
trying to equate your abrupt departure
to the nurturing love you said we had
(would always have, damn-it)

I lie here in your drip,
suffocating on the after-burn,
trickles into a cesspool of deterioration,
life deconstructed piece by piece,
bit by bit,
brick by brick,
(insert clever phrasing here)

I lie alone,
poisonous veins invade me
as I feel the sting of your betrayal,
and I wonder how this came to be...

can you correct me, please?

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • Ken-Maverick
    September 4
    Edit | Reply
    A deep and ponderous write indeed.
    Great work.

  • Rubonamous
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    my favourite line is "trickles into a cesspool of deterioration" its so beautiful. Feels like dissapointment, something great just withering away. The phrase "run as equally dry" didn't really flow for me but maybe I just misunderstood it.

  • refinnej
    August 4
    Edit | Reply

    sad

    so sad, why is everyone being hurt?


  • greyhaime silver member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    this is good, correction I can not give, nor can the person you wish it from, well done!
    ♥