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Freedom

While walking one winters day
Through darkened thunders, curs-en gray
Came upon a man, old enough to see and say
That twilight has past his way

Though old he spoke in winters tongue
Of green grass, which once had sprung
From out the earth-
but had descended into mirth

Be, girth, sole and Sally

He said to me, this city street-
was not always an alley
I do not blend, but wish to descend-
back from where I came
Back where green remains
Not of this darken alley

Back to my wife and kids and Sally
My horse, which bares the name
Aah she's got such a pretty mane

I said to this man while walking down alley
I do not understand.  Where is this land?
Far far away--- not near here
Somewhere close to the sea

An old island
That once was called
Simply----
                Free

Author notes

no. 16--Please??--

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 32 of 32

  • LonelyAngel
    August 27

    Edit | Reply
    It was a beautiful write,however I did not feel this stanza had to b in this piece:
    ''Back to my wife and kids and Sally
    My horse, which bares the name
    Aah she's got such a pretty mane''

    Because it feltquite forced and did not really fit into this poem. In a way, this stanza would have ruined the impression left in my mind, but overall it was quite a decent write.

    Thanks,
    Good luck,
    Well done.

    xYx

  • poets whisper silver member
    August 18
    Edit | Reply
    removed because the rules were not followed: #1 nothing in author notes #2 not entered in other contests.


  • GinryuStargazer
    August 11

    Edit | Reply

    Wow...

    This one strikes personally; I'm a huge speaker of freedom, and the rhyme scheme was creative. Lucky you!!

    ^^ ^^


  • Unbreakable3
    July 29
    Edit | Reply
    I like this good write thanks for the entery!


  • ladybug.
    July 29

    Edit | Reply
    I don't like that the contest list is longer than the actual poem.


    I can honestly say this didn't capture my tired attention one bit. It seemed forced & a few places didn't make sense to me. That's not to mean that it isn't good, it's just not to my taste. Thanks for sharing, though.


  • CentrifugalCorpse
    July 25
    Edit | Reply
    Ugh. Lazy contest whore. Are you TRYING to piss me off? Read the fkn description.


  • Mango Memories gold member
    July 22
    Edit | Reply
    ohhh ive commented on this one before

    scroll down sunshine


  • Jeremy0826 silver member
    July 20

    Edit | Reply
    This is a great piece that you wrote here!
    Congratulations on all of your trophies and good luck
    to you with it in pur contest!




    Jeremy0826


  • ZeInkslinger
    July 20

    Edit | Reply
    This is different and I like it. Good Job!
    The land of the free, somewhere far away, not anywhere near here anymore...

    I have found some errors though:
    "That twilight has pasted his way"
    -i think pasted is supposed to be past.

    "Back ware green remains"
    -Ware is supposed to be where

    "Aah she's got such a pretty main"
    -I believe you are talking about an animal's mane

    "I do not understand. Ware is this land?"
    -Ware is supposed to be where.

    The grammatical errors aren't gonna deduct from the poem itself much, but fixing them adds better and I don't mean to be rude, just constructive criticism.
    I really enjoyed this poem, I wish I could journey to this island.
    thanks,
    God Bless,
    ZeInkslinger


  • insidemjsnotebook
    July 18
    Edit | Reply
    mmmm.. dont we all wanna go to that island

  • piccola silver member
    July 17

    Edit | Reply
    this has been in a lot of contests and congrats on the trophies. I like the unusual use of language and felt that it should be read with some foreign accent ... thank you for entering.


  • WuzGood
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    NO, good luck


  • Vintage Chiffon
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful job
    Thanks so much for entering
    -good luck
    Damien


  • Shantti
    July 14

    Edit | Reply
    This is indeed a beautiful poem and so very worthy of all it's trophies. Might I suggest though that it be run through spell check and proofed for typos.
    Other than that, excellent imagery, but the typos and spelling errors take away from it. Thank you for entering it in my contest.


  • Fallen-Thumper
    July 11

    Edit | Reply
    I do like this and how it was written. i like the story behind it and i really enjoyed this. Excellent! A really great write and great imagery. Brilliant!


  • Leance
    July 9

    Edit | Reply
    I do like the simplicity of this poem however, there are a significant amount of spelling errors and punctuation as well. A good look over and polishing would certainly enhance this poem. Thank you for entering and best of luck.
    Leance

  • love-taylor-love
    July 8
    Edit | Reply
    i like this,
    it is a new but good way to describe freedom.


  • DancingRed
    July 7
    Edit | Reply
    "winters day" should be "winter's day"

    "pasted his way" or "passed his way"?

    "ware" should be "where"

    I don't care for the third last stanza. Your rhyme feels forced, and it seems as though you just randomly picked out the same 'Sally' simply because it rhymed with alley. I don't think that was necessary.

    The last stanza is brilliant though.

    Thanks for entering!

    DancingRed.


  • Livingemptyspaces
    July 6
    Edit | Reply
    An honest question-
    Why do people put a poem in like.. 800 contests?

    You use punctuation part of the time- you really should probably choose. Use it- or don't.
    If you do- then you don't need to capitalize every line.

    The idea here is nice.

    Thanks for entering and good luck

    -Livingemptyspace


  • cybilseyes silver member
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    An old island
    That once was called
    Simply----
    Free
    Loved the way your wrapped it nicely in the last line Great write thanks for your entry!
    xo
    Cyb

  • Mango Memories gold member
    July 2

    Edit | Reply
    oh!

    this is perfect. It kept me reading the whole time and thats impressive~

    I love poetry that keeps me licking every word the poet writes!

    Well done on a wonderful write!


  • dying inside 4ever
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    good job flows as it goes. Like that line when he said "Of green grass which once spung" Good luck and thz for etering


  • nobodys-girl
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    i love the ending of this so much! it was just awesome. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!

  • Judith Chandler
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    "curs-en gray"? Never mind, I like the sound of it. This has an eerie quality that I enjoyed. There are some apparent typos but I think they may be deliberate!

    Thank you for entering my poem.


  • hisaddiction
    June 26
    Edit | Reply
    Magnificent piece Roland.


  • Diminished Capacity gold member
    June 26
    Edit | Reply
    This is a great story penned with brilliance. Absolutely wonderful.


  • Maggie Kay
    June 24
    Edit | Reply
    great work
    keep it up


  • Dragonbabyx3
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    Such a beautiful piece of work! I really enjoyed reading this beautiful tale. There are a few types, ware- where etc. Other than that, this is a wonderful piece!


  • Sempre da soli
    June 21

    Edit | Reply

    hmmm....

    i really enjoyed this poem.. it doesnt have the raw emotion im looking for but it sorta calls to me and i really enjoy it...


  • Gods only child
    June 18
    Edit | Reply
    tis is such a nice and simple poem


  • DesolatELifE
    June 16
    Edit | Reply
    Peaceful.. Everyone likes a bit of peaceful sometimes. Good job.


  • Antebellum
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    An old island
    That ounce was called
    Simply----
    Free



    beautiful ending.
    thank you so much for entering

1 - 32 of 32