by Gregg Rowe
(for Susan Monroe, the therapists and staff, the Residents at Foster Pavilion)
I came to Beaver Hall, all sad and alone
Filled with a past, no one to phone
I was crying and dying; feeling no pain
Full of low self-esteem, I thought I was insane
"How is my handsome man today", Kathy, our therapist, had said
"It's a beautiful morning", were words that I learned to dread
Yet, they showed that they loved me, and were glad I was here
All of this attention, resulted in anger and fear
Who are these people and why should I care?
I had mountains of problems, not wanting to share
Simple things in life had started to collide
Memories of days when I couldn't decide.
"Was it half-empty, or half-full, my drinking cup"
Little by little, my heart opened up
I sat there and listened and finally saw the light
A room full of addicts, ready to fight
Drinking had become my choice, I hated my reflection
From years of abuse and years of rejection
I started to speak and shared my story
Learned how to gain power and say "I'm sorry"
I looked at the cemetery, sitting in the sun
"My life is not over! I am not done!"
I am finally sober, they showed me the way
Twenty-four hours, there are in a day
"Keep it simple," Michel had said, "Is that clear"
"Find your support amongst your experienced peers"
Everyday at Beaver, they handed me the tools
And I had thought: "This is really kewl!"
Internalized everything, I started to repair
Born a new man, no longer in despair
The hardest was working on my spirituality
Natalie had said: "Well, just hug a tree!"
Closed the old doors, threw away the key
Keeping the right to remember the memories
Work the Program and do the Twelve Steps
Into the real world, I finally leapt
The journey to get here, was emotional and hard
I am a new man, with many scars
With a new outlook on life, using my levers
I became a Camel, and definitely a Beaver!
Author notes
1. Write about how you or someone else was lost/a drug abuser/just plain had a crappy life, and how they turned it around...
Beaver: Rehab Centre in Québec also known as Foster's Pavilion.
Beaver: An animal consistently working and building, even when obstacles get in their way.
Camel: an animal who can go without a drink of water in the desert for three days, thus the slogan 'One Day at a Time'.
I was up all evening. Lying in bed, listening to that damn train pass by at midnight. Tomorrow I would be leaving Beaver Hall. Sober. I was 41 and I had my first drink at the age of 9...I learned from my father bottle-lifting. I had just finished the painting earlier in the afternoon and was ready to present it in the morning. But I wanted a poem. Lying in bed, a single room, small bookshelf, and a picture of my Mom, I got up and sat at my little desk. I was not allowed to turn on the light, the nurse would come and give me shit. So by a full moon shining in my room, I sat at wrote this. Not a change in wording. The morning arrived and we gathered to say good-bye. I presented Foster with my first aquarelle painting of two hands shaking and the words Beaver and Foster in acrostics. ‘I cannot leave Beaver without giving you what is truly in my heart,” as I looked at my therapists, the doctors, the social workers, and my friends that sat in the room, “I have a gift for you.” And then I read this poem, because even though I love painting, poetry is my voice. And it was so long since I didn't have a voice. At the age of nine when I took my first drink.
May 19th, 2001 is my sobriety day.
Written December 10th, 2001
In a list
A contest entry
- The One Thing That Always Tore Us Apart........ by Carpe Noctem.
300 points, ended April 6, 2006, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Change by Rosemary Stroebel.
525 points, ended December 9, 2006, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Celebrate Recovery by Misty Melody.
300 points, ended December 5, 2006, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Perspective on Addiction/Alcoholism/Homelessness by aslanlight.
600 points, ended February 13, 2007, 29 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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I totally relate
What strikes me about this is your willingness to be pliable like a trees branches blowing in the wind. Years ago I went in a place similar to this called 'Clouds House' UK. I was not pliable. I read out my life story and the feed back was all negative, or so I thought. I sneaked a preview at the notes in the office about myself and it said 'long after care'. Now I know why, I was not willing to be a beaver or a camel, still loved it all.
This is highly encouraging for many people and it reinforces my own strength Greg so thanks for entering.
Love, light & peace
Georgia -
thank you
sharing our own darkness can give such light (hope)
angry drunk to humble 'brilliant' poet
this is a wonderful tribute to the kinder side of human nature -
Honest
Well done buddy, you show great strength of character, I have had to watch helplessly for years as my mother slowly destroys her life. So, well done and keep the next 24 hours clean!.. Respect, take care, Nip
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Congratulations lordoftherings on the silver and for getting clean. A really profound piece you have written
Best wishes -Emmjay -
This was the second highest rated by the group. I am glad that you have been successful up to now and thanks for encouraging others in a similar situation. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck. Thanks Melody
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Just beautiful
Firstly I wish to thank you for this personal piece.
Addiction is not an easy thing to get over - otherwise it would not be an addiction.
Your poem is a little lumpy in the flow, however the content makes up for this completely.
I like the title as it gave me absolutely no indication of what was coming and you worked it into the poem perfectly.
Good luck and well done.
Rosemary -
amazing
Very awesome, perfectly rhymed, amazing poem. I loved it! I'm glad you are sober and I hope things keep going well for you. Thanks very much for entering and good luck!!!
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Excellent and a Joy
Congrats on your sobriety, I was never able to write like this in rehab, lol, wow! This is truly and inspiration, and confirmation, you should be proud of this piece, it could help many,
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This is very touching.... It is also very inspirational. Sometimes teh change is very hard and it is definately nice to have a voice. I am glad that you are able to have that through your poetry. This is an excellent poem.. YOu have really done an awesome job with it, and it really shows what you went through. Keep up the awesome work, both with your poetry and with your sobriety.
Rivkah -
Thanks for entering my contest, and if your writting from experience, then I say good for you for being strong enough to turn it away.
Brandy3 -
Hmm ... I liked this, it was cute. So is it about your prior addiction to alcohol? Obviously, right? It just seemed at the beginning that it would be about an addiction to the re-hab, I guess it would be, right? Actually, at first, I thought it was going to be about an addiction to a mental hospital or and assylum or something because that what I though you were talking about. But then, yes, I did read the whole poem and straightened everything out
Thank you for entering and good luck. -
Wow! First of all, well done on turning your life around and finding the strength to quit drinking. Second, this piece is FANTASTIC!!! The rhyming and the flow are great. Good luck!!
~dramaqueen469~ -
first of all i love the picture, secondly, good poem i haven't been in rehad, but i have been in a psych hospital and they sound very similar, lots of group therapy and dealing with your emotions in constructive ways. you should be proud of yourself, i know how hard addiction can be.
~Kate -
Wow... amazing piece. I've been to 2 hospitals... and I met quite a few amazing recovering alcoholics. I love them dearly. You are a very strong man... thank you so much for your entry.... its a wonderful story, a very well-written peice...
Love,
Hill -
This is a very powerful piece. It's always good to know the other side..the alcoholic perspective. This shows that there is a good ending to those with this problem. That it wont consume them but they can control it instead of it controlling them. This was a great write..Thanks for entering!
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Those of us who are victims of abuse have many scars, alot of which will never be seen. we all admire you Gregg, you have come through so much and are an inspiration, thank you for this entry.........
UsedandAbused -
To go through hell and come out the other side a different person, a better person is an achievement in itself. You are an inspiration to us all. A wonderfully written thank you, but you worked hard too, credit must be given to all those abused and hurting, without the will to change their lives, none would be here writing poetry. Thanks again for sharing.
take care and stay strong
sanity -
I love this, the whole idea of becoming a beaver. Very intelligent write! I also like that you wrote this when you needed to. They always come out better then. Not later, when we are reflecting. Anyways, great entry and good luck!
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i read this poem when it first went in the contest - i did not comment - i couldn't - i could not see through the tears - so i bookmarked it and have come back today - to say thank you x
It is an amazing poem full of hope and inspiration. My mum lost her battle with the demon drink and died at the age of 38 I am glad you made it Greg so you can share your wonderful talent. i also need to stop using booze to deaden the emotional pain and you are an inspirational man who shows me anything is possible thanks xx elaine
xxx -
Gregg, first of all congratulations on the trophy in this contest... But where you are the real winner is in life (excuse me for that corney line I just wrote!) I fell in love with this piece the moment I read it. It is so honest and touching and full of the strength that so many people (ahem, me included) need. I am so glad to have come across it and I wish you all the best
~M~
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Wow. Your author's commentary is what brought me to tears. I truly hope others read this and can find the strength that you did. Bravo, excellent job. You have unbelievable talent. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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This is amazingly written. I too have been in rehab. There were nothing but women there, and I had a problem with women, but I learned that we are loving and nurturing, and we can definately help each other when in dire need. The program that worked best for me was not NA, AA, or CA, it was JC, and I have been clean and sober for seven years. I am free... I can feel the freedom in these words. I say whatever works for you, use it up! The twelve steps are life principles and we can apply them to every obsessive/compulsive behavior in life. I went into rehab with a similar sense and came out knowing I was loved. This is great! Good luck in the contest Gregg, and may the oneness of love, and victory continue to hold you up.
Much Love,
Renee
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Wonderful
The more I learn about you the more admiration I have! This was a very inspiring and heartfelt poem, and it was also rhythmic and rhyming. Congratulations on changing your life!
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I could just see you hug that tree after the twelve steps. This kinda made me smile, no pun intended. Hope you didn't get into those bar saloon brawls on your way to recovery.Kendhal22
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When you can write something as uplifting as this and feel proud of the achievement you are healed. Good luck in the contest.
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great job and thank you for sharing
you did alright in the end and this poem is also a message to anyone else out there who needs the help you found.
you should be proud of yourself. -
wow Gregg this is just amazing your writing is so honest, so very transparant and vulnerable. This write I could have read on and on, with more details, i was eager to hear more about the struggles to have a relationship with your therapists, especially after the lines
Yet, they showed that they loved me, and were glad I was here
All of this attention, resulted in anger and fear
Yes I understand that perfectly being cared for for the first time, letting someone see the vulnerable side and letting them in, brough up these feelings for me, the anger from history ( why couldnt my parents love me like that) the fear I was scared that it was all going to slip through my fingers she would leave,
I am so glad you entered this I really enjoyed being taken on this journey with you,
from one beaver to another,
keep fighting
stay strong
lisa x -
Amazing
Oh Gregg, this is fantastic. It's moving and personal and so real. I am so thankful that you came out from under the umbrella of abuse. Sure to rainy skies but at least skies that are free. (Sorry if my metaphor is stupid)
I'm praying for you hard this week.
Good luck in this contest and I look forward to seeing you back around in a bit.
God bless,
Absinthe
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Very well done. Drinking is such an easy addiction to get started isn't it? I'm glad you found the strength to go thru rehab. Great poem. Good luck and thanks for entering the contest.
~Sarah~ -
Keep climbing the ladder.. it's damned hard but your life is so much easier now.. everything is real.. not tainted.. it's hard.. but life is beautiful foresure..
You have to work at it.. to keep it going.. but I'm sure you will, even when the bad days come, or you wish you could be like Joe Bloggs down the road.. just go out and have a couple.. but you know now, that's not possible.. keep on doing it.one day at a time
~GILL~xxxx -
This was quite good. I thought it was inspiring. Even though I don't have a drinking problem. Awesome write like the others.
- ALLISSIA
thinks she read too many of your poems of late 
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I loved the honesty in this piece as well as the sincerity. Excellent writing and thanks for sharing this piece of your personal life with us. Irene
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Congratulations on your sobriety, Gregg. That's awesome.
Some of the best books on writing I've ever read were by Natalie Goldberg. (Writing Down the Bones, Wild Mind, etc.) Something she continually stressed was writing about things that we're not exactly proud of. A lot of people are afraid to really reveal themselves. For instance, if they got drunk at a party and threw up in their own shoe to keep from messing up the carpet. (Jeez, where did that come from? haha) Anyway, most people would think, "I can't write about that! What will people think of me?" But the ones who do write about the things they're embarrassed or ashamed of are the most interesting writers because they're not afraid to reveal their humanity. Most people wouldn't even write "Full of low self-esteem, I thought I was insane." Your willingness to let the reader see into your world, the good and the bad, is what makes you a great writer. I think Neil Simon said it best, "The second you start to edit yourself, you're a candidate for mediocrity."
Thanks,
Mark -
inspiring, I have been involved in an anger management group in the past, I can image that it would be a similar scenario as to what goes on at an alchol group. Thanks for entering this piece in my contest and best of luck.
-thehittmann -
Excellent!
Well done, Gregg. As always, your writing is creative and from the heart.
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