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summer is a mixed feeling

stepping past the broken glass
and all the dandelions
with no wishes left.
i see the moon
who reminds
change comes fast
change comes slow,
change will come
no matter where you go.

but now as the silhouetted trees
become keepsakes of movement,
i try to pick up my shadow
and bury it with my other sins.

but it just won’t die.
just won’t die.

the howling stars
keep me awake
so i see my dreams
with open eyes:
a moon who reminds
change comes slow
change comes fast,
and shadows don’t die.



Author notes

prompt: http://allpoetry.com/poem/5113943
NeverFallinLove wrote the poem above.

lyrics. i have a tune for it. someday it'll have an acoustic accompaniment...
of course after i have time to revise. i leave tomorrow morning at 6
for alaska and will not be back until the 30th.

in case i fall into the bottom four i have a poem ready for it:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/5440557

peace to all ~flight

A contest entry

honesty

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • And Hyetal
    June 21
    Edit | Reply

    89

    Originality 8/10
    Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
    Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
    balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
    Cohesion 10/10
    Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
    Impact/Reaction 8/10
    mechanics: 5/5
    rules followed: 5/5
    diction/verbiage: 5/5
    syntax: 5/5
    Title: 5/5
    overall opinion: 4/5


    Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5

    Total: 89

    I agree with the other judges.

  • unraveled
    June 21

    Edit | Reply

    88

    Originality 8/10
    Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
    Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
    balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
    Cohesion 10/10
    Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
    Impact/Reaction 8/10
    mechanics: 5/5
    rules followed: 5/5
    diction/verbiage: 5/5
    syntax: 4/5
    Title: 5/5
    overall opinion: 4/5


    Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5

    Total: 88

    To me this wasn't impressive, but it wasn't bad, and I thought it was a good attempt.

    -Cassidy

  • JM Kenyon silver member
    June 21
    Edit | Reply
    Oops, forgot these

    Originality 8/10
    Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
    Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
    balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
    Cohesion 10/10
    Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
    Impact/Reaction 8/10
    mechanics: 5/5
    rules followed: 5/5
    diction/verbiage: 5/5
    syntax: 5/5
    Title: 5/5
    overall opinion: 4/5


    Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5

    Total: 88

  • JM Kenyon silver member
    June 21
    Edit | Reply
    there is a fluidity about this piece that makes it pretty lyrical but the context of the words didn't really capture any of my senses. I look for the same poetic quality in lyrics as I do poetry, songs with intense meaning become forever favorites.

    Still, you did well considering lyrics tend to be a pretty hard round.

    s ~Genie~


  • sideways hourglass
    June 20

    Edit | Reply

    87

    Originality 8/10
    Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
    Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
    balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
    Cohesion 10/10
    Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
    Impact/Reaction 8/10
    mechanics: 5/5
    rules followed: 5/5
    diction/verbiage: 5/5
    syntax: 5/5
    Title: 4/5
    overall opinion: 4/5


    Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5

    Total: 87


    It's a nice song with strong meaning, but it didn't move me emotionally. I still enjoyed it though.


  • aeolia
    June 16

    Edit | Reply
    Alaska?! I am so jealous. Have a good holiday! And I can totally see this as an acoustic song. I'd love to hear the tune someday. -endymion

1 - 6 of 6