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Clarisse, where are you?

as I'm strolling along the sidewalks
I notice their emptiness
the lack of laughter, chatting, humanity
how quiet everything is...

this city
that has lost its face so long ago
to all the new inventions
100 meter long billboards
that Bradbury wrote about more than 50 years ago
those visions have become reality

I can see in the midst of this grey something
that used to be called 'home'
so long ago

cars silently screaming
as they are passing by
without acknowledging my existence
that is as fragile
as the smell of leaves and the taste of rain
one could sense in late autumn

when people used to go hiding under thick blankets by the fireplace
until the sun rose again
after a long, cold winter

but those times are over
things have changed
from happy childhood memories
into a vacuum emptiness
that fills people's heads

so long ago things were different...

but now... what have we become?

Author notes

Ray Bradbury - Fahrenheit 451

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • Blue-Rose Beauty
    August 19

    Edit | Reply
    without acknowledging my existence
    that is as fragile
    as the smell of leaves and the taste of rain

    Great description and metaphor.

    This was such a great poem, it tackled issues with society in a light manner while keeping the poetic manner of the poem.

    I loved all the stanzas. Thank you for entering


  • Leance
    August 16

    Edit | Reply
    Well done.........The first thing I thought of from your title was that this was going to be related to Hannibal asking Clarisse, where are you? Nice to see it was not. Lives in days past were extremely difficult yet it appears from many conversations and statistics people were much happier than they are today. This is very saddening....Maybe if we lost a significant amount of technology we would regain some of the happiness experienced by our lost loved ones. Nicely captured. Thanks so much for entering the contest and best of luck.
    Leance


  • Antebellum
    August 3

    Edit | Reply
    when people used to go hiding under thick blankets by the fireplace
    until the sun rose again
    after a long, cold winter'

    nice imagery, thank you for taking the time to enter,
    goodluck


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    July 21

    Edit | Reply

    19.7 / 25

    There is no transition here:

     

    "when people used to go hiding under thick blankets by the fireplace
    until the sun rose again
    after a long, cold winter

    but those times are over"

     

    You started a cause and effect without ending the effect. I strongly suggest you go back and revise that bit. Also, the ending was a little too straightforward and didn't seem to fit the aura you were striving for. You as the writer shouldn't be telling us, as the poet, it's your job to show us. I'd like to see more imagery building up into one powerful ending. 

     

    Overall, I think this piece has strong potential, but like I said, there are certain areas that truly need to be worked on. Remember, these are just mere suggestions and not meant to take offense. Thanks for sharing!


    • LittleAnn
      July 21
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for commenting, I'm glad you took the time to point out those things that could be improved!


  • Jeremy0826 silver member
    July 20

    Edit | Reply
    I remember reading this story once and I enjoyed
    reading your take on it. Well done and I wish you
    all of the best in our contest. Thanks a lot for entering
    it here and keep up the great work!




    Jeremy0826


  • Midnite-Rae
    July 18
    Edit | Reply
    i enjoyed reading this.
    It was sad.
    You did a good job.
    "
    when people used to go hiding under thick blankets by the fireplace
    until the sun rose again
    after a long, cold winter

    but those times are over
    things have changed
    from happy childhood memories
    into a vacuum emptiness
    that fills people's heads"
    I like that part.
    Thanks for entering and Good luck in my contest.


  • ea silver member
    June 27

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, yes, I agree; I see a lot of Big Brother around here - those flashing lights if you speed bothered me the most when we came 11 years ago and freaked me out. We don't seem to have too many billboards here yet but there are more than there used to be. Luckily people still seem to grab a blanket and head for a campfire around here with regularity, though. By the way, I'm "allowed" to view your Keith Green video but I wonder if it's because I am in Germany!


  • Night Terrors
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    Okay "I" is a prouper noun and needs to be capitalized no matter were it falls in a sentence. I appreciate you entering. I give you a 5/10

    • LittleAnn
      June 25
      Edit | Reply
      You are right about "I" needing to be capitalized. It's not a proper noun though, it's a pronoun. I picked up the bad habit of not capitalizing anything in my poems quite a while ago, and it has become characteristic of my writing...
      Thanks for commenting.


  • Melodies
    June 14

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderfully inspired poetry here with the theme of a book I enjoyed reading very much. Now that our television reception is all messed up, I am going back to reading again. Maybe that's a blessing in disguise. I think I'll read a lot of biographies, other nonfiction, and some really good historical fiction and sci-fi-fantasy. Love your poem!

1 - 14 of 14