Little hands held soft the sand,
rushed it down the shore;
ran keen between sea and land
soaked the skirt she wore.
Built herself a man of sand
that cried ocean tears.
Gently took his lonesome hand,
whispered to his ears.
Asked him for a simple wish
closed her eyes for long,
looked up over one loud swish
found the sandman gone.
Slept her nights eager to know
when her day would come;
that day ocean wind would blow
and return a loving mum.
© Denierim
May 25, 2009
Author notes
This is written in the 7/5 Trochee form that was created by Andrea Dietrich. It usually contains 2 or more quatrain stanza with these set rules:
Meter is 7-5-7-5
and the rhyme scheme is a-b-c-b or a-b-a-b
The form alternates stressed and unstressed beats in a line, each line starting and ending with a stressed syllable. Don't know how well I managed with this because I'm still learning the English grammar... But let me know if I made any huge mistakes.
You can find more info of this form in shadowpoetry.com
A contest entry
- Big, Bold, and Brilliant! [{Round One}] [{Pre-writes!}] by AbidoodleCullen.
400 points, ended July 30, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love tough critique so give me your best shot! :P
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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A beautifully penned poem. It flows well and the imagery is very nicely done indeed. I don't feel alot of solid emotion from it myself, but I do get the sense of tenderness throughout and I do like that a lot.
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Perfect as perfection allows
Criticism harder to find
One day if miracles happen
You'll teach me and be kind
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Thank you for the thoughtful and inspirational comment; your words mean a lot!
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flawless flow, absolute perfection,
and you just couldn't help but love
it's lovely lyrical tune!
fabulous writing!
way to write, and teach us the beauty
of flawless perfection!
ears/Seattle
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I'm so glad you like this. There are a few little flaws to correct in this piece, but I'm still glad people have found liking of it. It's one of the most not-my-style poems I've written so I'm extra happy it turned out well. Thank you for your kind words and the comment; they mean the world to me! ^_^
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You've crafted a brilliant piece of writing! To me the rhyming is stunning.
Way to write!
Nela
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I'm so glad you like this one! Thank you for your words and the comment, they mean a lot to me.
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I have to admit I'm not strong when it comes to noticing poetic structures but for all I'm unfamiliar with the 7/5 Trochee form I did warm quite happily to the structure and effectiveness of the rhyme. The other thing I particularily liked was some of the metaphor and personification.
"Built herself a man of sand
that cried ocean tears."
- Magnificio
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I have to admit, I had never even heard of this form when I stumbled upon it. I was just reading the name over and over again to make sure it actually was a poetic form... lol
But thanks for your words and the comment; they mean the world to me. ^_^
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Speechless!
*speechless* This is amazing! I am just wowed by the emotion you put into this! You did a wonderful job on the form, and really drove the emotion home. The imagery is flawless, and you pretty much have this drilled into my head, making me want to learn how to write like this! Overall, An amazing piece!
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I'm really glad I was able to pull this off. It took me a full day to write this so I'm glad it worked out. Thank you for your words, they mean a lot to me.
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Oh wow, I love what you've created here!
There's such a tenderness in this piece, and the rhyme and flow here is executed flawlessly!
Bravo
♥ kate
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I'm glad that I was able to work it out well. Thank you a lot for your words and the comment; they mean a lot.
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i don't know about the form but i loved the soft silk like flow of this piece i could feel the tide taken the sand man away i really enjoyd this poem thanks for sharing it and take care
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Thank you for reading it and I'm glad that I managed with the flow. It was a struggle but it seems all good stands at the end. Thank you for the comment and your words; they mean a lot.
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I don't know much about all those technical terms for writing...quatrains, and whatever...but I do know what I like when I read it...and this was very nice. Good job!!
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I'm still learning myself, I admit. When you start learning them, they give you a great challenge. And I'm very glad that you liked reading this. Thank you for your words, they mean a lot.
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Cool like the ocean wind !
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Thank you.
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Glorious...
Greetings.
It is an interesting poetic exercise. The composition looks good and sounds in good standing.
It seems that the last stanza needs a revision, once it was said to be "7-5-7-5 Meter".
I have enjoyed the reading of "Sandman".
In respect and admiration,
Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU -
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You're right, seems my mind went off there lol
Thanks for pointing that out for me; will have to work with that a bit more. I spent so much time with this I'm not sure what all I forgot on the way
And thank you for the comment and your words; they're very much appreciated.
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Excellent
A very fine write, indeed, just as it is. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
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Thank you for taking the time to read it. I spent a day trying to write this so I'm glad it turned out fine. Thank you so much for your words; they mean a lot.
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You are quite welcome.
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Good
This poetic trip though your heart is, thought provoking, descriptive, and creative all rolled up into a beautiful poem. This poem was sad, believable and just human enough to be easily relatable.
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I'm really glad that you found all those things from this poem. Thank you for your words; I appreciate them a lot.
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