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I Dream of Kryptonite

Glitter slides morphine between nicotine irises,
burned by silver smoke and dry ice lithium,
entwined curls wrap fingernail polish around
broken stars reflecting themselves in static eyes.

Morphine dreams of becoming glamorous copper
dangling from pendants and comet elbows,but
the tar enfused  with cigarettes scrapes away
the oxygen enzymes in teenage lungs, so lithium
colored purple by asphyxiating ribs becomes
the drug of choice, and morphine lies forgotten.


Pastel eyeliner connects the dots between
middle school freckles trying to mimic
the constellations intoxicated with disco
balls and humanity's ability to pump neon oxygen.

Static eyes disolve venom into romantic justification
for sepia bruises, and they primp shards of beer
inclines in fragmented skin with the beauty
of cover up and concealer- products of a liar.

Childhood is flying,falling in love means being grounded
growing up can be an infectious killer, its cancerous,
and fatally talented at holding children from learning
to have wings again, after they've been grounded once.

Author notes

I used all the words in the wordbank. title too
w r i t i n g 0 f r e e d o m

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • aeolia
    July 15

    Edit | Reply

    yes

    i'm a judge for aegis now. i vote yes, despite the critique i left last time i saw this. you have potential that can be honed with a little practise and a divorce from your thesaurus.


  • forbidden-colour
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting title, not sure with Kyrptonite is though. I imagine it is some sort of poison or something?
    Thank you for entering.
    Kindest of regards!


  • rainbows. gold member
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    Morphine is a little overused. But other then that I do not agree with eira. I really love this. It is very well written and the imagery is beautifully described.


  • CentrifugalCorpse
    June 21

    Edit | Reply
    Well-penned.
    Excellent imagery but "morphine" seemed to be overused.

    Thanks for sharing this piece and best of luck!

    New plague

  • aeolia
    June 16
    Edit | Reply
    This is basically a rant, and I agree with Adrieline about the words you overused. With such an uncommon word like "morphine," it stood out... and even then, "morphine" isn't exactly uncommon these days. It basically screams, "I'm a teen girl who whines and writes the same "poetry" as every other member of my inferior species."

    But anyway, the poem. This wouldn't rush into its own fiery death with some punctuation, line breaking, and a pause here and there. Rushing can work if it is controlled rushing and you know where and why you use certain words, breaks, and punctuation; here, it just looks like you slopped this onto a page as you not-so-deeply thought it out. Poetry requires craft and careful editing as well as feeling.

    The main issue I had with this, though, was the convoluted, wordy language. It was pretentious; who actually says things like "they primp shards of beer inclines in fragmented skin"? I mean, really? That's just rubbish, to be completely blunt. You have some decent ideas, but how you wrote it turned me off so much. Were this my piece, I would take the ideas that mean the most to me and, yes, describe and show them, but not to the point at which I'd exclude craft. Don't go overboard with imagery. Adjectives thrown carelessly onto a page =/= poetry.

    Thank you for the entry.

    -endymion


  • adsaige
    June 16

    Edit | Reply
    Words of repetition: morphine, eyes, lithium. This is a write I am particularly unsure of. But I will follow my gut and say yes.


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    June 16
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, I think you have something raw here that we can perhaps nurture.


  • innocence jaded.xx
    June 16
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm...Yes, but like I said before, you should use different words in place of 'morphine' and 'eyes', for it seems to repetitive in places. Otherwise, I like your use of poetic devices.


  • fade.
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    Omg, the last stanza is amazing and the rest of this write is pretty good too. Thanks sooo much for entering and good luck.

  • innocence jaded.xx
    June 13

    Edit | Reply
    Damn. I love this. Though, I think you could use a different word besides 'morphine' in the second stanza, unless you're talking about the same morphine you used at the beginning. But otherwise, I like your wording and how you portrayed different thoughts. Very well written.

    -Pastel eyeliner connects the dots between
    middle school freckles trying to mimic
    the constellations intoxicated with disco
    balls and humanity's ability to pump neon oxygen.
    ...

    gahhh.
    I'm in awe. (:


    Thank you for entering

1 - 11 of 11