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Hypnotic Lies

From the smiling lips of silver snakes
come the sweet dreams
dancing just out of reach.

Weaving and winding through the air.
Whispers of true love
fly into the ears of dreamers.

Romantics twined together
In the torrid embrace
of their Love of the moment.

Staring into his warm eyes
She holds his heart in her hand
And whispers her hypnotic lies.

My husband thinks that this is not finished. Please tell me what you think.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • XxXNoxiousRoseXxX
    June 12

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    Only thing left to finish is to correct capitalisation/punctuation errors and there is a misspelling in the first stanza.


  • vampira1665 silver member
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    A couple of things:

    first: "Dancing just our of reach." should be OUT.

    second: a poem is done when the writer feels it is done.

    Readers, as your husband is, will get feelings from poems and that is exactly what he got. He felt there could have been more is all. If I were you I would ask him to write more, to "finish" it. That would be a fun way to do some writing together.

    Well done!!

    Hugs,
    vampi


  • StillLovingYou
    June 12
    Edit | Reply
    i feels compete to me ! great job!


  • CrystalLizard
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    Ah, what do husbands know? It feels complete to me, although I'd correct some capitalization and punctuation issues. I like your twisting lyricism and alliteration throughout the piece. Thanks for sharing!


  • ServantOfChrist
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, it's ok, but maybe you could go more deeper. Like what lies does she say to him? also in the first stanza last line I think there's a spelling error, did you mean to say Dancing just out of our reach? or Dancing just out of reach?

    I know this poem can turn into something very good. And I'm by no means a great poet so I hope this helps. Keep it up though. I know how it feels to write something and think it's done and then hear from others that it isn't.

  • aniqua
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely use of words... there's rhythm there and music... Your first and second stanzas are strong I think...You could rework some lines in the third stanza that mess with the flow... "In the torrid... love of the moment"... The last stanza last line is a bit cofusing... is she whispering her hypnotic lies to him.. or does he whisper hypnotic lies to her.... Good luck with it... its beautiful


  • white stone silver member
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    It seems fairly complete to me, and in fact I would think that adding anything else could ruin it. If you would like, I also think that there is no need to capitalize each line. If you wish, I will i.m you a couple of small revisions I would make.

1 - 7 of 7