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The Voice Within?

There's a voice within

Who guides me to know whats right

But then there is another

Who quarrels against the light

There's a voice within

Who come's sometimes with a rod

Can I reason with the voice who loves us

"The One who say's I Am thy God"

There's a voice within

It come's in much deguise

O may I distingish the subtle one

To my God one all, loving and wise

There's a voice within

That awakes us from the dark

There-in engraving words of wisdom

His fire alluminating my spirits

Leaving impressions upon my hearts

There's a voice within

Tempting me with idols

I could easily make them my trophies

Until God's grace reveals in His eyes there vile

 

 

tell me what you think does something need to be changed?

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Pisces rainbow gold member
    October 26

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    God's grace indeed reveals

    as you so poetically and beautifully have said

     

    after a while, you have a eormous sense of Divinity 

     

    lovely to read

     

    God bless you my friend..


  • darlee77 gold member
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    Sharon, I like this. It gives a very powerful message. Also, let's us know, we are given the right to choose, it is up to us to make the right choice. Some of my poems, I will edit, some that are given by God, I write as He dictates. Right or wrong, I leave them just as they are. I believe you do the same. God bless.


  • Wickedruby1 gold member
    June 17

    Edit | Reply

    Very Good

    I would not change anything in this piece,the inner voice , our concious, if God, guiding us, it is up to us to determine to listen to him or our own reason.


  • Injunpoet
    June 14
    Edit | Reply

    Yes I see the change you made ...

    how ever i would like to suggest ....
    After LIne 4 make a space line ...
    After line 8 make a space line ....
    After LIne 12 make a space line ....
    After LIne 17 Make a space line ...

    Ps dbphd is right about the spelling and grammor errors , such as Comes ,line 6 .line 10 . and the spelling of desquise ,

    " There's a voice within
    It come's in much deguise
    O may we distingish the subtle
    To the one all, loving and wise" = is what you wrote ...
    i would change it to::

    There's a Voice within

    It comes in much desguise

    Oh can we distingish the subtle
    ( might change " may " to "can ")

    From the One all, loving and wise

    (Might want to change " To " so its " From "
    ( Might want to change "one " to " One " )
    Ps : i Like what you did here .its differnt from what I suggested before.
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Here is what you wrote .....

    There's a voice within
    That awakes us from the dark
    there-in engraving words of wisdom
    A fire alluminating the spirits
    leaving imprints upon the hearts.

    Here is what I think ...( with the sugestions from you Professor includded ) ( ty Sir ! )

    There is a Voice within
    That wakes us from the dark
    Therein engraving words of Wisdom
    A fire illuminates the spirit
    Leaving imprints on the Heart.
    ---------------------------
    "Therein engraving words of Wisdom"
    "A fire illuminates the spirit"
    ( these lines need help it throws off the rhythm when spoken out loud ,,, when i write i keep in mind how my written word is spoken and the attention a voice can pay to a certain beat . it should have the same beat from begining to end .)
    I am interested to see what you will come up with ..
    That is all i have time for today my freind ... if you are not mad about the changes i have suggested .. I can look at it again if you like ,,, just send me a note..
    keep up the learning !

  • dbphd
    June 14

    Edit | Reply
    I would make a few grammar & spelling changes if I were writing, but that's just me. I think it makes a poem flow more freely when the reader isn't caught by my errors.
    Line 2 - "what's" needs an apostrophe because it's used in the possessive.
    Line 6 - "comes" does not have an apostrophe
    Line 8 - "says" does not take an apostrophe
    Line 10 - "comes" does not carry apostrophe, "disguise" is misspelled.
    Line 14 - "awakes" doesn't fit grammatically - should be "wakes"
    Line 15 - "therein" is a single word, no hyphen
    Line 16 - "illuminating is misspelled
    Line 21 - "trifles" is misspelled
    Last line - "what" should be "which" if used with the word "one" to be grammatically correct.

    I hope that's the advice you wanted from this old professor. Best of luck-
    dbphd


    • Sharon Marie gold member
      June 14
      Edit | Reply

      I wish that I understtod all the grammer but I don't I only have a 6th grade education I suppose I might have to find an editor I just don't know where to look

      I don't think I'll be able to learn all that I am really not good in grammer Like i said 6 grad education it sucks but what can I do.
      Thank you though at least you told me what I need to do so may be my daughter can help me if she finds the time . I would have to pay an editor to do this but i really don't no anyone .


  • xXMe17xX
    June 14

    Edit | Reply
    i liked it really.i mean many can relate.no dont change a thing i like it"!! every word. just wodering how did yoou re put this out?cuz i can tell the poem isnt new..as someone wrote a comment 5 hours ago..can i also re put out my poems?how?


    Please take a look at my poems and commet would mean the world to me x

  • Injunpoet
    June 14

    Edit | Reply

    I like it and just a few things

    I would change line 12 ,, and take out " and One all " so that line 12 would read ..." The subtle One , loving and wise " when read out load it rhymes beter with line 10 " dequise " .
    Also i would change ,,,line 17 " hearts " to "Heart" .then it will rhyme better with line 14 " dark " . I hope you dont mind my suggestions ,, i see a comment asking for ideas and so i shared mine . i like your work and if you like it too then it is as it should be because it came to you that way . many thanks for shareing .

    • Sharon Marie gold member
      June 14
      Edit | Reply

      could you look at my poem again

      I did change it some wanted to know if you could tell me if it's better with the change I applied using your suggestion
      Thanks sharon
      would be greatly appreciated


  • Themoonchild
    June 12
    Edit | Reply

    Great write!

    True and beautiful.


  • BlankCanvas500
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    really good!!!! i loved it. the form was great and i loved the language you used. i don't think u need to change anything. i suppose u could put in a bit more punctuation, but apart from thats its beautiful. i loved it i really did. =]


  • his kiss
    June 12
    Edit | Reply
    luv it!

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